January 9th, 2010,
Cells being radiated (Specifics of Treatment)
I am praising God for His perfect timing. I was so frustrated that my tubes were not coming out sooner but if I would have started radiation a week earlier I would have hit this awful and dark “wall” I have hit this week, during Christmas week. It is amazing how the cumulative effect of radiation can affect some people. I went to a cancer support group the other night. Two women there said radiation was the hardest part of their treatment. One woman said she could not finish the course. It made me feel a bit better as I am finding this week very dark and difficult. I have no inner resources left and it seems to me that all I have done is fight only to be knocked down and totally depleted. It is a battle with no glory and seemingly no redemptive purpose. There does not seem to be any reward at the end probably because I am not sure if I will remain cancer free or not. In life many times we have to patiently endure but there is some sort of reward at the end. I cannot see the reward of my battle right now. I am reminded of all the heroes of faith in Hebrews chapter 11 who did not receive the reward of their faith until they entered eternity. I simply need to trust that God knows what He is doing even though I cannot see it.
It has also been a hard week because we have had quite a bit of petty crime in our neighborhood. I witnessed three guys parked in front of our house at 3 am on Monday morning, saw them run away, heard an alarm go off and saw them run back to their car and speed off. We have had car and garage break-ins all week. Also last week someone posted a comment on my blog and it was in code. I foolishly opened it and it was pornographic. The effects of the curse are all around and within me and I need to fight to remember that even though I am battling the curse, God is FOR me!
We did have a beautiful day today. To celebrate Joel’s 20th birthday we went to Coeur D’Alene to watch the bald eagles who congregate this time of year and witnessed 10 or more of these majestic creatures, flying, diving and perching on the tops of trees. We then dined at Wolf Lodge where they feature 32 ounce steaks! Charlie and Margaret and Grandma Cathy joined us and it was a memorable day. I did experience a sense of joy today and my soul was refreshed by being in the midst of God’s creation. I am praying that after radiation is over I will regain an inner sense of well-being.
Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I was encouraged by this daily reading in Joel’s new devotional. It is a compilation of different Puritan authors and is called “Voices From the Past: Puritan Devotional Readings”. I was comforted by the thought that human nature is the same through the ages and our struggles are similar to the Puritan greats whom I have always admired.
HALLOWED BE YOUR NAME
Matthew 6:9
There is in each of us an envy; O how hard a matter it is to rejoice in the gifts, graces, and labours of others, and be content in circumstances, when God casts us by as unworthy, and uses others to glorify his name! We are troubled if others glorify God, and not us, or more than us, or if they are more holy, more useful, or more serious; self will not yield to this. Now by putting up this prayer to God, we leave it to him to choose the instrument that he will employ. We should be content to be abased and obscure provided Christ is honored and exalted. Many times we must be content, not only to be active instruments but passive objects of his glory. If god will glorify himself by our poverty or our disgrace, our pain and sickness, we must be content. We need to deal with God seriously about this matter that we may submit to the Lord’s will as Jesus:”Save me from this hour; but for this cause came I unto this hour: Father, glorify thy name” (John 12:27-28). This was the humble submission of Christ Jesus, and it should be in us. The martyrs were contented to be bound to the stake, if that way God might use them for his glory. “My earnest expectation and hope…Christ…exalted in my body, whether by life or by death” (Phil 1:20). We need to deal with God that we may have the end, and leave the means to his own choosing; that God may be glorified in our condition, whatever it is. If he wills for us to be rich and full, that he might be glorified in our bounty; if he wills for us to be poor and low, that he may be glorified in our labour; if he will have us sick, that he may be glorified in our pain; if he will have us live, that he may be glorified in our lives ; if he will have us die, that he may be glorified in our deaths (Rom 14:8)
Thomas Manton (works 1:77)
Please join me in Praise and Prayer
*Praise God for His perfect timing
*Praise God for the love and support of so many people
*Please pray that God will renew my strength and joy and in the meantime I will trust Him that he is working His good will in my life
*Please continue to pray for my healing
*Please pray for wisdom for Tim and I as we make decisions after treatment about which estrogen blocking drug to take, whether to have a hysterectomy or not and when to do reconstructive surgery. Pray that we will just take one decision at a time and trust God to guide and lead us.
Cells being radiated (Specifics of Treatment)
I am praising God for His perfect timing. I was so frustrated that my tubes were not coming out sooner but if I would have started radiation a week earlier I would have hit this awful and dark “wall” I have hit this week, during Christmas week. It is amazing how the cumulative effect of radiation can affect some people. I went to a cancer support group the other night. Two women there said radiation was the hardest part of their treatment. One woman said she could not finish the course. It made me feel a bit better as I am finding this week very dark and difficult. I have no inner resources left and it seems to me that all I have done is fight only to be knocked down and totally depleted. It is a battle with no glory and seemingly no redemptive purpose. There does not seem to be any reward at the end probably because I am not sure if I will remain cancer free or not. In life many times we have to patiently endure but there is some sort of reward at the end. I cannot see the reward of my battle right now. I am reminded of all the heroes of faith in Hebrews chapter 11 who did not receive the reward of their faith until they entered eternity. I simply need to trust that God knows what He is doing even though I cannot see it.
It has also been a hard week because we have had quite a bit of petty crime in our neighborhood. I witnessed three guys parked in front of our house at 3 am on Monday morning, saw them run away, heard an alarm go off and saw them run back to their car and speed off. We have had car and garage break-ins all week. Also last week someone posted a comment on my blog and it was in code. I foolishly opened it and it was pornographic. The effects of the curse are all around and within me and I need to fight to remember that even though I am battling the curse, God is FOR me!
We did have a beautiful day today. To celebrate Joel’s 20th birthday we went to Coeur D’Alene to watch the bald eagles who congregate this time of year and witnessed 10 or more of these majestic creatures, flying, diving and perching on the tops of trees. We then dined at Wolf Lodge where they feature 32 ounce steaks! Charlie and Margaret and Grandma Cathy joined us and it was a memorable day. I did experience a sense of joy today and my soul was refreshed by being in the midst of God’s creation. I am praying that after radiation is over I will regain an inner sense of well-being.
Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I was encouraged by this daily reading in Joel’s new devotional. It is a compilation of different Puritan authors and is called “Voices From the Past: Puritan Devotional Readings”. I was comforted by the thought that human nature is the same through the ages and our struggles are similar to the Puritan greats whom I have always admired.
HALLOWED BE YOUR NAME
Matthew 6:9
There is in each of us an envy; O how hard a matter it is to rejoice in the gifts, graces, and labours of others, and be content in circumstances, when God casts us by as unworthy, and uses others to glorify his name! We are troubled if others glorify God, and not us, or more than us, or if they are more holy, more useful, or more serious; self will not yield to this. Now by putting up this prayer to God, we leave it to him to choose the instrument that he will employ. We should be content to be abased and obscure provided Christ is honored and exalted. Many times we must be content, not only to be active instruments but passive objects of his glory. If god will glorify himself by our poverty or our disgrace, our pain and sickness, we must be content. We need to deal with God seriously about this matter that we may submit to the Lord’s will as Jesus:”Save me from this hour; but for this cause came I unto this hour: Father, glorify thy name” (John 12:27-28). This was the humble submission of Christ Jesus, and it should be in us. The martyrs were contented to be bound to the stake, if that way God might use them for his glory. “My earnest expectation and hope…Christ…exalted in my body, whether by life or by death” (Phil 1:20). We need to deal with God that we may have the end, and leave the means to his own choosing; that God may be glorified in our condition, whatever it is. If he wills for us to be rich and full, that he might be glorified in our bounty; if he wills for us to be poor and low, that he may be glorified in our labour; if he will have us sick, that he may be glorified in our pain; if he will have us live, that he may be glorified in our lives ; if he will have us die, that he may be glorified in our deaths (Rom 14:8)
Thomas Manton (works 1:77)
Please join me in Praise and Prayer
*Praise God for His perfect timing
*Praise God for the love and support of so many people
*Please pray that God will renew my strength and joy and in the meantime I will trust Him that he is working His good will in my life
*Please continue to pray for my healing
*Please pray for wisdom for Tim and I as we make decisions after treatment about which estrogen blocking drug to take, whether to have a hysterectomy or not and when to do reconstructive surgery. Pray that we will just take one decision at a time and trust God to guide and lead us.
I thought sure I posted a comment here the other day, but perhaps my computer-tech skills are showing and I just typed it and never hit 'post comment'. You excerpt from the Puritan devotional is being passed around our Iowa circle the week and has been a real encouragement. I'm so sorry that this phase of treatment has proved to be so challenging and left you feeling totally depleted at times. I am praying for you......hoping His 'Peace, be still' and the calm waters are just around the bend. XO
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