May 26th 2009
Cells Behaving Badly #4 (specifics of cancer treatment and progress)
I am starting to come out of the initial “assault” and my body is recovering a state of equilibrium. Without too much sordid detail it seems that days 4-8 are the worst and it basically felt that all cells, inside and out were inflamed! I am so thankful for modern medicines which ease the side affects. As I expected these were also low times emotionally and spiritually. I will try to recall my meditations before I start feeling better as God is glorified when in our misery we cling to Him and call out to Him.

Before the Face of God (Personal meditations)
In my lowest state I never felt despair but such a deep sense of all my losses. The hardest part of pruning is when even good healthy blossoms need to go in order for the plant to produce more vigorously. I love to plan, make goals, and love to envision future ministry opportunities. Every time I begin to do this I am thwarted in some way and brought back to the fact that I can’t make any big plans for the next few months and maybe even a couple of years with the surgeries etc. SO I am learning very painstakingly to :WAIT ON THE LORD” for everything. This is such a blessed and important lesson. First of all I am not the author of my story, He is. Second, I am dependent on Him every moment to sustain my life in every way and I have a deep sense of not wanting to go in any direction apart from His blessed will. I am learning that his will is the most blessed place to be in the center of and that He is jealous that we find our heart satisfaction in Him alone.
When you lose your health, you feel the loss in all your other blessings as well. It is hard to enjoy the many good things around you and sometimes all the health and vigor around you make you feel more alienated and alone. The pleasure of God himself is one that is not diminished in the midst of suffering but He becomes all the dearer as you experience the different aspects of His character which sustain you.

I have been helped my other’s words who have experienced this same pruning from the Lord.

“Much of the loss that tends to take our breath away has to do with God’s jealous love. God is willing to have our dreams crumble, our plans fail and our hopes erode in order to win back the love of our hearts. He could not love us and let our job, house, friend, spouse, child or position replace Him. His love is beautifully intolerant. He is willing to be severe in order not to lose us. He is willing to do drastic things in order to free us from slavery to things that were never meant to rule us.” Paul David Tripp

“How simple for me to live with you O Lord. How easy to believe in you. When in my confusion my soul bears itself or bends, when the most wise can see no further than this night and do not know what tomorrow brings, you fill me with clear certainty that you exist and that you watch to see that all the paths of righteousness be not closed. From the heights of worldly glory I am astonished by the path through despair that you have provided for me. This path from which I have been worthy enough to reflect your radiance to men. All that I will yet reflect you will grant me, and for that which I will not succeed in reflecting you have appointed others”. Alexander Solzhenitsyn

THOSE WHO SOW IN TEARS WILL REAP WITH SONGS OF JOY PSALM 126:5
“It is good that we should have to submit to what we do not understand. It teaches us the laws of faith and hope. It is good that we should have to do what we would rather not do in circumstances not of our choice. It is good that there should be always something to prick us or something to remind us that we are in an enemy’s country and we belong in a marching column. It is good that every creature we lean upon should fail or disappoint us. It is good that we should meet with checks and failure in what we undertake to keep us humble and prayerful. And all these things belong to sowing in tears.” Janet Erskine Stuart

FOR THUS SAYS THE LORD GOD, THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL;

“IN RETURNING AND REST YOU SHALL BE SAVED;
IN QUIETNESS AND CONFIDENCE SHALL BE YOUR STRENGTH.” Isaiah 30:15

Please join my in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Thank God for no secondary illnesses so far
*Thank God for His abundant provision of practical and spiritual help through His people and especially my precious family
*Thank God for His sustaining power. Also Joel is loving Chemistry and doing well!!!
*Please pray that God will guard me from any infections while my counts are low
*Please pray for protection and health as Tim and I travel to Wenatchee for Xander Knight’s wedding!!!
*Please pray for our family adjustment as Joel comes home for the summer this weekend!!
*Please pray that we ALL learn to WAIT ON THE LORD!!!!

May 21 2009
Cells Behaving Badly #3 (specifics of cancer treatment and progress)
My first chemotherapy treatment has gone quite well. I was blessed to have Tim and Margaret by my side for the five hours of infusion. I was impressed with how humble, thankful and joyful all the chemo patients were. My nurse was amazing. She was so attentive and thoughtful and looked me right in the eyes and explained everything she was doing. She was warm and gracious and loving. I found out at the end of the day that she had a raging migraine headache!!! You never would have known. These nurses definitely have a calling from the Lord.
I was able to be quite active with help around the house Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I felt very shaky and weak coming off the steroids but was able to persevere and work a bit at home, pray, encourage others with the word and go out for a nice walk with Tim which I have done every night so far. So many have helped with chores and meals and I am greatly encouraged by the Body of Christ in action!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
Psalm 33 has been my meditation today when my body feels the most assaulted by the chemo. I will put parts of it in here but encourage you to read it in its entirety.
“Sing for joy in the Lord, o you righteous ones; praise is becoming to the upright” vs. 1
“For the word of the Lord is upright and all His work is done in faithfulness. He loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of the loving-kindness of the Lord. Vs. 4-5
“By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of His mouth all their host” vs. 6

“FOR HE SPOKE AND IT WAS DONE; HE COMMANDED AND IT STOOD FAST.” VS. 9

WOW!!! This verse stopped me in my tracks. When I speak sometimes it is followed by action. When the Lord speaks it IS action. Whatever he speaks he does. What a motivation to search His word for what he is doing and take all his promises to heart!!!!!

“Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His loving-kindness, to deliver their soul from death and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your loving-kindness, O Lord, be upon us, According as we have hoped in you.” Vs. 18-22

Please join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God that “He is so vastly wonderful, so utterly and completely delightful, that He can without anything other than Himself meet and overflow the deepest demands of our total nature, mysterious and deep as that nature is.” (A.W. Tozer)
*Thank God with me for His wonderful provision of practical help through the body of Christ
*Pray for my dear Tim who has a cold and feels very behind. Pray that he will experience God’s sustaining power
*Pray that God will protect me from infection as my blood counts go down the next few days
*Pray that our whole family will seek Christ as our greatest treasure and mine all we can from our trial.

*Please send me prayer requests through my e-mail as I would count it a privilege to pray with you!!!!!

May 17 2009
Cells Behaving Badly # 2 (specific of cancer treatment and progress)
Since my last post we have had two extensive tests to determine if the cancer has spread anywhere else in my body. Thankfully they did not detect cancer anywhere else. This took a heavy weight off of us. We have a sense that we have faced and triumphed over this before and by God’s grace can do it again but if we would have found cancer everywhere in my body I am not sure how we would have reacted. I start chemotherapy tomorrow (Monday) and will have Margaret and Tim at my side. When I had my port put in (a device put in the chest to deliver chemo infusions through so they don’t have to poke you every time) Margaret and Tim were there as I recovered and both of them felt faint and needed to sit down!!! We got a good laugh out of that. Both want to be on the front lines with me so pray that they will not experience queasiness.

Before the Face of God (personal meditations)
Margaret and Charlie came by tonight and we all had a precious prayer time together. Tim read the words of this hymn and they ministered deeply to my soul. I hope they are an encouragement to all of you as well.

What e’er My God Ordains is Right
Samuel Rodigast, 1675
What e’er my God ordains is right: His holy will abideth: I will be still what e’er He doth, and follow where He guideth. He is my God: Though dark my road, He holds me that I shall not fall: Wherefore to Him I leave it all.
What e’er my God ordains is right: He never will deceive me: He leads me by the proper path, I know He will not leave me. I take, content, what He hath sent: His hand can turn my griefs away, and patiently I wait His day.
What e’er my God ordains is right: though now this cup, in drinking, may bitter seem to my faint heart, I take it, all unshrinking. My God is true: each morn anew sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart. And pain and sorrow shall depart.
What e’er my God ordains is right: here shall my stand be taken: though sorrow, need or death be mine, yet I am not forsaken. My Father’s care is round me there: he holds me that I shall not fall: and so to Him I leave it all.

Please Join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God for all the prayers of the saints and all the practical help and encouragement we have received so far. You all know who you are and we thank you deeply from our hearts
*Praise God for how well the kids are doing. Please pray that they will continue to go to God as their source of delight and blessings.
*Pray for Joel as he tackles chemistry in a two week intercession. I teased him that he starts CHEM as I start CHEMO!
*Along with the requests from the last post please pray that I will delight in the Lord and find Him to be all that my heart desires.

The Journey Begins

Cells Behaving Badly #1 (specifics of cancer treatment and progress)

I think it was Martin Luther who said the best way to learn theology is through meditation and suffering. Well, God has enrolled me in seminary…..for the second time! 11 years ago we got the dreaded diagnosis of breast cancer and after a rigorous regime of chemo, surgery and radiation I was declared cancer free. This continued until a routine mammogram showed a suspicious spot earlier this month. The familiar shot of fear raced through me but after having spent all spring learning to “Preach the Gospel to Myself” I immediately began putting into practice what I had learned. God’s peace has sustained me throughout these early weeks of tests and diagnosis. Last time the tumor was very high up in my left breast with lymph node involvement. This time the tumor is high up in my right breast with lymph node involvement. Treatment will be very similar. 18 weeks of chemotherapy, surgery upgraded to a double mastectomy, radiation and then reconstructive surgery six months later. All told, over a year of treatment.

Before the Face of God (personal meditations)

As the visceral response to the news awakens me many nights with my heart pounding I have found the discipline of talking to myself rather than listening to myself to be invaluable. My meditations have centered on Philippians 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” and Psalm 27 “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom (or what) shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; whom (or what) shall I dread? ………One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle.”

Please join me in Prayer...

*That God will use us to make His name known among those we come in contact with during treatment
*That God will help us all find a rhythm and routine during chemotherapy
*That the boys will become prayer warriors
*That God will use the means we have chosen to heal my body
*That we as a family will experience His peace which passes all understanding
*That Leslie will use whatever energy she has to continue serving her family and not whimp out!!!!