January 9th, 2010,
Cells being radiated (Specifics of Treatment)
I am praising God for His perfect timing. I was so frustrated that my tubes were not coming out sooner but if I would have started radiation a week earlier I would have hit this awful and dark “wall” I have hit this week, during Christmas week. It is amazing how the cumulative effect of radiation can affect some people. I went to a cancer support group the other night. Two women there said radiation was the hardest part of their treatment. One woman said she could not finish the course. It made me feel a bit better as I am finding this week very dark and difficult. I have no inner resources left and it seems to me that all I have done is fight only to be knocked down and totally depleted. It is a battle with no glory and seemingly no redemptive purpose. There does not seem to be any reward at the end probably because I am not sure if I will remain cancer free or not. In life many times we have to patiently endure but there is some sort of reward at the end. I cannot see the reward of my battle right now. I am reminded of all the heroes of faith in Hebrews chapter 11 who did not receive the reward of their faith until they entered eternity. I simply need to trust that God knows what He is doing even though I cannot see it.
It has also been a hard week because we have had quite a bit of petty crime in our neighborhood. I witnessed three guys parked in front of our house at 3 am on Monday morning, saw them run away, heard an alarm go off and saw them run back to their car and speed off. We have had car and garage break-ins all week. Also last week someone posted a comment on my blog and it was in code. I foolishly opened it and it was pornographic. The effects of the curse are all around and within me and I need to fight to remember that even though I am battling the curse, God is FOR me!
We did have a beautiful day today. To celebrate Joel’s 20th birthday we went to Coeur D’Alene to watch the bald eagles who congregate this time of year and witnessed 10 or more of these majestic creatures, flying, diving and perching on the tops of trees. We then dined at Wolf Lodge where they feature 32 ounce steaks! Charlie and Margaret and Grandma Cathy joined us and it was a memorable day. I did experience a sense of joy today and my soul was refreshed by being in the midst of God’s creation. I am praying that after radiation is over I will regain an inner sense of well-being.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I was encouraged by this daily reading in Joel’s new devotional. It is a compilation of different Puritan authors and is called “Voices From the Past: Puritan Devotional Readings”. I was comforted by the thought that human nature is the same through the ages and our struggles are similar to the Puritan greats whom I have always admired.

HALLOWED BE YOUR NAME
Matthew 6:9
There is in each of us an envy; O how hard a matter it is to rejoice in the gifts, graces, and labours of others, and be content in circumstances, when God casts us by as unworthy, and uses others to glorify his name! We are troubled if others glorify God, and not us, or more than us, or if they are more holy, more useful, or more serious; self will not yield to this. Now by putting up this prayer to God, we leave it to him to choose the instrument that he will employ. We should be content to be abased and obscure provided Christ is honored and exalted. Many times we must be content, not only to be active instruments but passive objects of his glory. If god will glorify himself by our poverty or our disgrace, our pain and sickness, we must be content. We need to deal with God seriously about this matter that we may submit to the Lord’s will as Jesus:”Save me from this hour; but for this cause came I unto this hour: Father, glorify thy name” (John 12:27-28). This was the humble submission of Christ Jesus, and it should be in us. The martyrs were contented to be bound to the stake, if that way God might use them for his glory. “My earnest expectation and hope…Christ…exalted in my body, whether by life or by death” (Phil 1:20). We need to deal with God that we may have the end, and leave the means to his own choosing; that God may be glorified in our condition, whatever it is. If he wills for us to be rich and full, that he might be glorified in our bounty; if he wills for us to be poor and low, that he may be glorified in our labour; if he will have us sick, that he may be glorified in our pain; if he will have us live, that he may be glorified in our lives ; if he will have us die, that he may be glorified in our deaths (Rom 14:8)

Thomas Manton (works 1:77)

Please join me in Praise and Prayer
*Praise God for His perfect timing
*Praise God for the love and support of so many people
*Please pray that God will renew my strength and joy and in the meantime I will trust Him that he is working His good will in my life
*Please continue to pray for my healing
*Please pray for wisdom for Tim and I as we make decisions after treatment about which estrogen blocking drug to take, whether to have a hysterectomy or not and when to do reconstructive surgery. Pray that we will just take one decision at a time and trust God to guide and lead us.

January 3, 2010
Cells Being Radiated (Specifics of Treatment)
WHEW! God has graciously upheld me through a wonderful, joyful, whirlwind of a Christmas season. I was able to keep up with all the usual holiday activities and it was one of our best Christmases. Some highlights were seeing Spencer and Eric sing in an a capella quartet for The Oaks Christmas program and receive a standing ovation. This was the fruit of my efforts to encourage Eric out of his comfort zone and the goal I have that each of my children will have a creative outlet. He has had the hardest time deciding what he wanted to pursue so he told me to “just choose something”. This summer while going through chemo I had quite a few boys come and go trying out the choir. The four boys who have stuck with it have melded their voices together and sounded great. Little did we know that the week after they sang there would be a singing competition on TV featuring all a Capella choirs. Our guys are on the cutting edge of “cool”! My thanks to Kent Young who has taught our boys that singing is a manly activity!!
We also enjoyed our annual Jesus birthday party with four other families whose kids all grew up with our kids. It is so inspiring to see how so many of the kids are following the Lord and pursuing such interesting paths. Joel missed it this year as he was still taking finals on December 22nd! YIKES! He arrived home in time for Christmas Eve and a ten hour celebration with Charlie and Margaret. We had such fun visiting, eating, watching “Joyeux Noel” and playing our new addictive game “Settlers of Catan”. God gave me the energy to cook up a storm and we enjoyed a sumptuous leg of lamb, homemade rolls, homemade chocolate e’clairs, peppermint pie, homemade cinnamon rolls and our traditional prime rib with the Dionne’s on Christmas night. I got four days off from radiation over Christmas and three days for New Years.
My skin is becoming quite red and feels very tight and uncomfortable. It is hard to imagine that it can take thirteen more days of this but it is nice to have the end in sight. God has allowed me to give out the cancer book to two people at radiation so the gospel is being spread!
I am so thankful for my physical therapy which has helped me get my range of motion back in my arms and is keeping me from developing scar tissue. I have just begun to experience the heavy fatigue so am looking forward to being back in a school routine. My dear mother is here again and is helping me keep on top of the housework.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
God has continued to teach me to take my thoughts captive and to treasure Christ above all other things or relationships. Someone has rightly said “God is our only circumstance”. I was challenged by one author who is a cancer survivor who pointed out how easy it is for us to put our trust in things that God has never promised yet to distrust Him and His word where he gives us so many sure promises. I realized how faithful he is to bring about circumstances which reveal our own hearts to us and to continue to draw us back to the only sure source of security and comfort in this world. I heard about an acquaintance who spent a week thinking her daughter might have lymphoma yet it turned out she didn’t. Her comment was that she was amazed that her faith failed her during that week and she was a wreck. I think God was graciously showing her that her faith was possibly misplaced and I pray that He will continue to shepherd her to place her faith in His sure promises to her and her children.
Tim and I enjoy using Table Talk as a daily devotional we go through with the boys. This month the theme is “Anxiety and the Sovereignty of God”. There are some great articles and I wanted to share some excerpts.

From Paul David Tripp’s article “Thinking biblically about worry”

“Many of us live with a huge gap between the theological confidence that we celebrate on Sunday and the street-level fear, worry and anxiety that accompanies us the rest of the week”

“Everyday, somehow, someway, the brokenness of your world will press in on you. It will be this way until you cross over to the other side….the difficulties of life in this fallen world are the occasion of our worry, but not the cause…..As a result of sin, no longer do we attach our inner peace to a God who is the definition of wisdom, power, and love and who will never ever change. No, without realizing what we have done, we begin to look for identity, meaning and purpose, and our inner sense of well-being horizontally. We look to the broken and ever changing situations and relationships of this fallen world for our purpose and our inner rest. Things that were not designed to give us peace and over which we have no control become our replacement messiahs.”

“I am deeply persuaded that real, lasting personal rest of heart is never to be found in ease of circumstances. Even in the best of situations in this fallen world your heart will be able to find reasons to worry. Inner rest of soul and lasting peace of heart are only ever found when Jesus and His kingdom are your highest and deepest treasure. When you place your identity in His never-changing hands, when you find your meaning and purpose in the unstoppable work of His kingdom, and when you place your inner sense of well-being on the sure foundation of His promise to meet your every need, you will be able to rest even when the situations and relationships around you are broken.”

From Ed Welch’s article “Peace that passes all understanding”

“We will have hardships in life, of that there is no doubt. Scripture does not offer a kingdom that spares us from pain. The King does promise, however, that He will be with us in every trial and will give us all the manna we need so that we can know Him better, trust Him, live for Him, and be increasingly transformed to look more like Jesus no matter what the wilderness of life might throw at us.”

“Essential to this battle with fear and anxiety is the gift of humility. It fits perfectly, doesn’t it? In our anxiety we are usually concerned about things we love. We want control. We want to take matters into our own hands, to protect our future, but we are finding that it is impossible to manage all possible contingencies. We want to protect our kingdom. Find anxiety and you often find that your agenda is more important to you than God’s. You might find that you adopt your own interpretation of God’s world rather than submit to God’s clear words about His power, love and care.”
And so in the new year I am praying that I and my dear ones will learn to treasure Christ more and more and to put our trust where the only true security in life lies. May these scriptures inspire us to pray that God will give us all the peace that passes understanding, whatever our circumstances.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of god so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on hi, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep’ for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8)

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” (John 14:27)

Please join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God that He is Immanuel “God with us”
*Praise God that He gives us grace when we need it
*Thank God for His sustaining grace to us through the holidays and radiation
*Please pray for my burned and tightening skin and discomfort. Pray that I will not confuse the emotional effects of pain and discomfort with a lack of peace.
*Please pray that God will continue to give sweet fellowship in our family as Joel is home
*Please pray for my stamina and wisdom to rest when needed through the busy basketball season
*Please pray that God will take all cancer cells from my body and help me to know what I need to be doing to remain healthy (i.e. diet, exercise, sleep etc.)
*Please pray for Tim and me as we parent our boys, that we will have wisdom and be a blessing to them as they are to us.