December 10, 2009
Cells Being Radiated (Specifics of Treatment)
I have not written in so long I don’t know if I have any followers left but it is still good to express what God is doing in our midst! It is hard to believe but the memory of the dreaded tube phase of my recovery has faded almost completely and I am adding many more pleasant memories to my file daily. Because the tubes took so long to come out we had to wait to start radiation which meant I got a wonderful break for Thanksgiving. God provided our WHOLE family (Tim, Leslie, Margaret (with baby Dowers inside),Charlie, Joel, Spencer and Eric, with a precious and memorable trip to the Napa Valley where my brother and his wife hosted our whole extended family and Jocelyn’s extended family for a lovely dinner. The weekend included lots of sunshine, a trip into San Francisco, shopping and art galleries, lovely walks, games, family entertainment and LOTS OF LAUGHTER. It struck me that among my many blessings is the fact that I am on good terms with everyone in my whole extended family.
The few days away gave me a much needed boost to come home and start radiation. I have completed 7 with 26 to go! I was disappointed when I realized I will be doing radiation the whole time Joel is home for the holidays, but decided to re-frame it with “ I get to have Joel home the whole time I have to go through radiation.!” YEA! I am also doing physical therapy two times a week to learn preventative lymphodema massage and to get back my range of motion in my arms. This keeps me very busy during an already hectic season but we are settling into a nice routine.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
Joy to the World! the Lord is come; Let earth receive her King! Let every heart prepare Him room and heaven and nature sing!
Joy to the world! The Savior reigns; Let men their songs employ; while fields and floods, rocks hills and plains repeat the sounding Joy!
No more let sins and sorrows grow, nor thorns infest the ground; He comes to make His blessings flow far as the curse is found!
He rules the world with truth and grace and makes the nations prove the glories of His righteousness, and wonders of His love!

This is one of the songs I will play in my piano recital…yes part of taking piano lessons is doing a recital. I will soon experience that out of body experience all performers must go through during a recital. Pray for me!! The Lord continues to impress upon my heart how serious He is about JOY! It permeates the scriptures.

Nehemiah 8:10 Then he said to them, “Go , eat of the fat, drink of the sweet, and send portions to him who has nothing prepared, for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be grieved, for the JOY of the Lord is your strength.”

Psalm 5:11 But let all who take refuge in You be glad, let them ever sing for JOY; and may You shelter them that those who love Your name may exult in You.

Psalm 16:11 You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of JOY; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.


Psalm 32:11 Be glad in the Lord and rejoice you righteous ones; And shout for JOY, all you who are upright in heart.

Psalm 43:3 O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the altar of God, To God my exceeding JOY; and upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God my God.

But how to maintain JOY in the midst of such a sinful and sorrowful world? This Christmas the familiar story of God being willing to leave the glories of heaven for the strife and suffering of this world, in order that we might be redeemed from it, is especially meaningful for me. Jesus has come time and time again into the wretchedness of my struggling heart and brought light and love and joy. One of our advent readings by Charles Spurgeon from his sermon ”No room at the Inn” expresses it well.

“Well, says one, “I have room for Him, but I am not worthy that He should come to me.” Ah! I did not ask about worthiness; have you room for Him? “Oh! But I feel it is a place not at all fit for Christ!” Nor was the manger a place fit for Him, and yet there was he laid. “Oh!, but I have been such a sinner; I feel as if my heart had been a den of beasts and devils!” Well, the manger had been a place where beasts had fed. Have you room for Him? Never mind what the past has been; He can forget and forgive. It mattereth not what even the present state may be if thou mournest it. If thou hast but room for Christ He will come and be thy guest.
“Oh! Saith one, “I have room for Him but will He come? Will He come indeed! Do you set the door of your heart open , do but say “Jesus, Master, all unworthy and unclean I look to thee, come, lodge within my heart,” and He will come to thee, and He will cleanse the manger of thy heart, nay, will transform it into a golden throne, and there He will reign for ever and ever.
“My Master wants room! Room for him! Room for Him! I, his herald, cry aloud, Room for the Savior! Room! Here is my royal Master-have you room for Him? Here is the Son of God made flesh-have your room for Him? Here is he who can forgive all sin- have you room for Him? Here is he who can take you up out of the horrible pit and out of the miry clay-have you room for Him? Here is he who when he cometh in will never go out again, but abide with you forever to make your heart a heaven of joy and bliss for you-have you room for Him? “Tis all I ask. Your emptiness, your nothingness, your want of feeling, your want of goodness, your want of grace-all these will be but room for Him. Have you room for Him?

“But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great JOY which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:10-11

Please join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God for His precious gift of Christ. May we all yearn for Him and treasure Him more fully this year
*Praise God for the continued good care we have received and for all the continuing support we have from family and friends
*Praise God for the steadfast love of my husband who becomes more and more like Christ to me every day
*Please pray that I will accept the continued discomfort I experience with cheerfulness and that I will be diligent in physical therapy
*Please pray that God will continue to give us all perseverance in the midst of the harsh and cold winter months
*Please pray that we will be sensitive and open to opportunities to bless others as we have been blessed

Blessed Christmas to All!!!!!

November 13th, 2009
Cells Calming Down (Specifics of Treatment)
This is the end of the fifth week after surgery. My fluid levels are finally dwindling to dust in my last tube so it looks like it will come out on Monday. I am not sure if they will start radiation until after Thanksgiving or not. I am leaving that in the Lord’s hands. I get stronger every week and am looking forward to being able to take a shower, practice piano and do a bit more around the house. They still want me to keep my arms quiet for awhile so fluid doesn’t build up without the tubes in. This has been a long hard lesson in patience!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
“I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly” (John 10:10)

“A person can’t sustain life on bread alone, but he must live on every word that comes from God’s mouth” (Matthew 4:4)

“Every trial is both a test from God and a temptation from Satan. Here (referring to Jesus’ temptation in the wilderness) both perspectives are brought together as the Spirit and the devil appear in the event.. Each trial is a positive opportunity but can also be a negative danger. Temptation is not sin. Jesus had to think the thoughts suggested by Satan in order to reject them. WHEN ONE MENTALLY ACQUIESCES IN THOSE THOUGHTS HE SINS. TEMPTATIONS MAY BE OVERCOME BY THE USE OF SPECIFIC BIBLICAL TRUTHS THAT SET FORTH GOD’S ALTERNATIVES.” (Jay Adams)

“So all these curses shall come on you and pursue you and overtake you until you are destroyed because you would not obey the Lord your god by keeping His commandments and His statutes which he commanded you. They shall become a sign and a wonder on you and your descendants forever BECAUSE YOU DID NOT SERVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH JOY AND A GLAD HEART FOR THE ABUNDANCE OF ALL THINGS.” ( Deuteronomy 28: 45-48)

“You will show me the path of life. In Your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. (Psalm 16:11)

“And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent (John 17:3)

“You have made known to me the ways of life; You will make me full of joy in your presence. (Acts 2:28)

“For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace (Romans 8:6)

“The fear of the Lord leads to life and he who has it will abide in satisfaction; he will not be visited with evil (Proverbs 19:23)

“Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8)

“In EVERYTHING give thanks for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus ( 1 Thessalonians 5:18)

“Keep in mind that on this earth nothing is truly perfect. We seek divine beauty within the limitations of our present existence. To deny beauty its rightful place of significance, however, would be to cheat ourselves and our families of great blessing and joy. A man who does not desire or appreciate God’s beauty is not truly living, even though he is alive. To be so consumed by the vain and fleeting demands of this passing life that no time or thought is given over to contemplating and living out that which is true, noble, pure, and beautiful, is more than a shame; it is a tragic waste.
In this life, true love can only be known amid the constant threat of loneliness and eventual loss. True peace is comprehended only by faith. Beauty is apprehended alongside much chaos. Yet such things make life more than livable; they make life enjoyable. ( Benjamin K. Wikner: Raising Children in Christ-Centered Truth, Love and Beauty)


“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” E. B. White

Early conclusions:
*Abundant Life is found only in knowing, enjoying and serving the One True God
*I have access to this life only through the saving power of Jesus Christ
*I can only comprehend this life by the Word of God and His Spirit
*God gives me many things to enjoy here on earth which I need to acknowledge and be thankful for but they are fleeting and should be signposts back to Him
*Abundant life is something I must purposefully pursue
*I can’t rightly interpret God by my perceptions of my circumstances but must interpret my circumstances through what God reveals about reality in His Word.
*Trials can be a gateway to more abundant living if they lead me back to God and His Word as my only source of sustenance.
*God is serious about Joy!

Please Join Me in Praise, Thanksgiving and Supplication
*Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow, for steady renewing of strength, for salvation and sustenance by His Word and His Power
*Thank God for His daily provision of help through Tim, Margaret, and many friends
*Thank God for always bringing me encouragement when I am tempted to despair. Thank you to all my faithful friends!
*Please pray that I will face radiation with courage and JOY
*Please pray for strength to enjoy Joel’s homecoming and our trip to Napa California for Thanksgiving
*Please pray that we will pursue Truth, Beauty and Goodness and be full of God’s JOY in our household
*Please pray that God will use us to spread His good news to those who don’t know it yet
*Please pray that God would grant me many more years on the earth and that I will be of service to Him in building His Kingdom
*Please pray that Tim and I will not lose heart in the midst of our trial. but continue to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and to pursue unity and beauty in our marriage.

October 28, 2009
Cells Calming Down (Specifics of Treatment)
We are beginning the fourth week after surgery and my surgeon and oncologist say I am healing very well. I have been able to get two tubes out which was a wonderful relief. The right side is still producing more fluid than my body could absorb so they will stay in (for another week or so. My main struggle here is that they do not want to start radiation until two weeks after my tubes come out so it looks like I will not be done before Christmas with all my treatment. Let’s hope for being done before the new year!!!! I found out today that some women have tubes in for three months so I am thankful that will probably not be the case for me as the levels continue to go down. My activity is still limited and will be even for a few weeks after the tubes come out as they want me to resume slowly as fluid can still build up. We met our radiologist and like him very much. He thinks it might be OK for me to swim during radiation which would be a real blessing for me, even if all I can do is jog in the pool it is a great stress reliever for me.
My mom left last Tuesday and my dear friend Janet (Auntie Janet or JB) who is an oncology nurse, came that night and spent five days with us. We met at Multnomah, have been friends for 26 years and she fits right into our family very well. So God has provided some very personal and professional care for us during recovery.
Tim was sick the week before with the flu and seems to have had a relapse starting Sunday night which I am trying not to panic about. Having him be compromised has added to my sense of vulnerability. It has simply been a season of much trial but we feel very blessed by God at the same time.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)

O, Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.
I am memorizing and meditating on Psalm 131. In my forced inactivity I have become aware of much inward “noise”, most of which is not very pleasant. I am so thankful God is committed to our sanctification and growth and in his mercy is shutting me up to be faced with my own heart and attitudes which are not conformed to Him. Mainly I am confessing pride which is at the root of discontent. It is amazing to me how many times I respond to challenging circumstances thinking I know what is best for me and questioning God’s goodness and wisdom. This Psalm has been a quiet place to rest my soul and to pray that God would make it a reality in my heart. How wonderful to be able to get to the place of being like a contented and weaned child even in the midst of unsettling circumstances.
I have been blessed with many great books, one of which is Brave New Family by G.K. Chesterton. His series of essays on Men, Women, Children, Sex, Divorce and the Family contain lucid insights on the sacredness of the family as God ordained it and the modern attacks on it. In one of his essays titled “The True Victorian Hypocrisy” he gave me tools to battle with in my current situation and spoke to a subject dear to my heart; education.
“ The most essential educational product is Imagination. It is a wandering and even wild Imagination that all schools should chiefly instruct all school-children. For Imagination will teach them how to live a quiet and humdrum life.
This simple truth is now much neglected both by the fashionable and the old-fashioned. The way to make people contented is to make them creative, not to make them barren. I have no desire to lock people up in the parlour or the pantry, or deny them excursions and excitements. But it is strictly true that the larger is their Imagination, the less they will mind being locked up in the parlour; or, for that matter, in the coal-cellar. The child who can see the pictures in the fire will need less to see the pictures on the film. The man who can make up stories about the next-door neighbour will be the less dependent upon the next day’s newspaper. So long as the minds of the poor were perpetually stirred and enlivened by ghost-stories, fairy-stories and legends of wild and wonderful things, they remained comparatively contented; possibly too contented, but still contented. The moment modern science and instruction stopped all these things, we had a Labour Question and the huge discontent of today. Both for good and evil, but especially for good, it is Imagination that keeps people quiet.
On the other hand dull people always want excitement. Three quarters of the real luxury or prodigality or profligacy, that is complained of just now, is due to the dullness of people who cannot imagine anything they do not experience. They are so miserably and dismally stupid that they actually have to do things. They are so poor in spirit that they have to have things. They have to have a flying-machine fitted up with every luxury, because they cannot send their souls up while flying a kite. They have to be in a racing car in order to believe that it really races. If this principle of the inner life were understood, we might today restore the sanity of civilization; and especially the poetry of the home.”
Thank you G.K. for showing me the wonderful opportunity this period of my life is giving me to recapture my imagination, to spend an hour gazing into the fire and making up stories, to listen to the Narnia stories on tape, to make up rhymes, to imagine what heaven is going to be like, to picture all the people I know as stars shining in the sky as I pray for them, to use my imagination, not to worry, but to create.

Please join me in Praise and Thanksgiving
*Praise God for His faithful, intimate, personal care
*Praise God for sustaining us by His Word and His Spirit
*Thank you to all who have provided meals, help and who have prayed so faithfully
*Please pray that God would allow good health to reign in our home again for Tim, the boys and myself
*Please pray that we will continue to make God;s word and prayer priorities in our lives as we resume our normal responsibilities
*Please pray for continued healing from surgery, for contentment with the schedule for radiation and for stamina during radiation
*Please pray that faith, hope, love and joy would reign in our hearts

October 13, 2009
Cells Hopefully Behaving Again (Specifics of Treatment)
Wahoo! Surgery is behind us! It went extremely well and I am physically healing very well. I am off all pain medications. I was not prepared for the enormous impact of the procedure on my sense of physical, emotional and spiritual well being. I am bound up very tightly in the chest and it is a very oppressive and claustrophobic feeling. It is hard to relax or feel comfortable but it is important to keep this bandage on until all my drains are out. I feel a huge sense of grief which I think will just take time to get over so I am trying to be patient. Having to keep my arms perfectly quiet means I have no stress relief such as swimming or doing household tasks. Because I don’t do a lot physically during the day it is hard to sleep at night and it is very hard to get comfortable. It feels a bit like post traumatic stress syndrome!!!
In the midst of all this I am being extremely well cared for. Tim remains a most dear and faithful husband. He looks at me lovingly, tells me I am beautiful and says “Now I can hug you even closer!” Sigh! True love beats romanticism any time. My dear friend Sue who is a nurse from Wenatchee came to be with us in the hospital. We realized we have been friends for 26 years and though we have lived apart since our years at Multnomah School of the Bible God has woven our lives together in many ways through the years. Her son got married last year to Amber and my recovery nurse immediately after surgery was Amber’s aunt! She is a Christian and said I was an inspiration to her which goes to show God works best through our weakness because I have no recollection of anything I said or did but I know I was not feeling very chipper!
A friend from church has faithfully come over to help with my dressings, bring us eggs from her chickens and freshly baked healthy bread and muffins. Margaret comes by daily and does whatever needs doing as well as teaching me to play piano. Mom continues to cook and clean daily with an amazingly cheerful attitude. When she filled in to change my dressings I made her promise if I let her take on this task she would let me help her someday if she is ill or infirm. Somehow I don’t think she will be as docile of a patient as I am!!! She agreed though. Dear mothers from the Oaks filled my freezer with casseroles so that has helped a lot with the meals. I know many many others are faithfully praying and are respecting our request to keep things very quiet around here to help me rest and heal.
This forced isolation was not sufficient to keep the flu out of our midst. Tim came down with some form on Thursday night and was in bed for three days straight. This has meant no hugs, keeping far apart and sleeping in separate rooms. In addition to this he started Jury duty on Monday!! As my friend whose son has Leukemia said when I told her this….OF COURSE! It seems she has experienced this same clustering of inconveniences during her son’s treatment.
It is looking like two of my drains will be able to come out in a week but two will probably stay in longer. Until then no showers. UGG!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
In the midst of all this I am still keenly aware of God’s intimate involvement and care. The other night I was asking Him to help me get at the root of my grief. It seems to be much bigger than just the results of surgery. His word came to me with such force it almost seemed to be an audible voice, though it wasn’t. The truth “I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly” resonated through me. I went to sleep meditating on this and asking Him to show me what constitutes this abundant life. I didn’t seem to be experiencing it!!!
The next day as I continued to meditate on the verse and read a pamphlet on suffering by a Christian counselor I realized that many of the losses in life are things which we think are what constitute LIFE. This summer I have had friends who have children with cancer, have lost a son, have had a major heart attack and the list goes on. I also know of people who seem to have everything yet are still despondent, angry, sad and unsatisfied. I began to understand that if we try to find LIFE anywhere outside of Jesus we will be disappointed. If a good gift of God is taken away from us and we thought it was the source of LIFE our grief will be much greater than simply losing something that gave us great pleasure.. My grief has been lifted a bit as I ponder that, in the midst of loss and suffering, I have abundant life.
Yet, how do I appropriate it? By claiming all He has promised me in His word because I am His child. I have started praying the promises daily. I think many times we live as paupers not realizing what a great inheritance has been given us in Christ. I look forward to God opening my spiritual eyes to what this abundant life is I have in Christ. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ (Ephesians1:3)
The other HUGE lesson that seems so hard to learn is just BEING. I don’t realize how much my identity is based on doing until I am forced to BE STILL while others joyfully minister to me and show me such love. It seems humiliating to me yet God wants me to just receive it with joy!!! Human pride is so insidious!! I have never felt as vulnerable as I do when my daughter is helping me with my sponge bath and dressings. I call it my daily humiliation. Yet Christ washed his servant’s feet and said if they did not allow him to do it they had no part in him. This takes huge processing within my soul to enjoy being served for so long by so many. Yet God wants to serve us in this way every minute.

Please join me in Praise and Thanksgiving
* THANK YOU DEAR JULIE FOR YOUR DAILY POSTS TO GET ME THROUGH THE FIRST WEEK AFTER SURGERY. MAY GOD RICHLY BLESS YOU!
*Praise God for a successful surgery and such a skilled surgeon. Also for a pathology report which indicated no cancer on the left, none in the lymph nodes on the right, some residual tumor in the right breast but far from the chest wall and very slow growing. This means the chemo did its job systemically and having the mastectomy was a good decision to get the rest of the tumor out!
*Praise God for His continued unceasing ministry to us through His word, His Spirit and His people.
*please pray that my fluid levels will go down so I can get the drains out soon.
*Please pray for my dear father who will be having surgery to take some cancer out of his bladder and to explore a small tumor in his pancreas
*Please pray for Tim’s mom as she struggles with health issues
*Please pray that I will learn the lessons God has for me from being still, receiving His love unconditionally and believing all He has given me for abundant life.
*Please pray that God continues to strengthen my primary caregivers and all those who have come alongside us
*PLEASE PRAY THAT GOD WILL USE THIS TO FURTHER HIS KINGDOM AND BRING GLORY TO HIS NAME

Cancer Survivors in the Grand Tetons

Enjoying God's creation in Yellowstone

September 29, 2009,
Cells Hopefully Behaving Again (Specifics of Treatment)
I have been enjoying a season of “relative” quiet with more time for reflection and processing all that has happened, all God has done and preparing emotionally for surgery. I went through a time of grieving but God has made my heart much lighter this week and I am confident that come Monday morning I will be experiencing all the grace I need to face surgery and accept whatever the outcome is. We will find out then if the chemo did it’s work and should know in a week the pathology reports. I am told that I can do anything I want after surgery as long as I keep my hands in my pockets! They don’t want any arm movement while the drainage tubes are in so hopefully if I am a good girl the tubes will come out earlier rather than later. It could be anywhere from 1-4 weeks.
God continues to encourage me through His word and His people. Today I met with a woman whose daughter goes to Grove City where Joel goes. She had the same procedure I will be having in a year for reconstruction. She unabashedly showed me the results and it is amazing what nice results they get! So after all of this deconstruction I will be looking forward to reconstruction in a year.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I met with ten women last week to begin a study on biblical femininity. I came away realizing that if I had not had breast cancer I would not have met with Stacey Miller this summer who came weekly to help me and wanted to study the word together, I would not have been introduced to the Five Aspects of Womanhood material she wanted to study,. I would not have felt so assaulted in my femininity and been so motivated to continue studying and we would not have our wonderful group!!! Just one example of the many “good things” God has brought out of my trial. We have been studying the Lord’s Prayer in Sunday school and I have been helped by being reminded of the difference in God’s Decreed will and His Declared will. I realized that my struggle is mainly with His Decreed will or His Secret Will which comes to us moment by moment in all the providences He sends our way. I have trouble trusting that ALL is meant for my good. Studying the differences has helped me to pray more in line with God’s will and brought me much peace. Thank you to our brother Dr. Bennett for such clear teaching on this and for the following chart.

Secret Will of God
1. The Decreed Will of God
2. Decrees of God
3. Found in the Mind of God
4. What God is doing
5.God surely performs
6.Absolutely shall be done
7.Done perfectly by God
8. Irresistible
9.Violation is impossible
10.Responsible party is God
11.Object of this will is an event
12. We cannot know
13. We need not know
14. Sinful man wants to know
15. Is for us to accept
16. Unconditional

We pray for grace
To accept whatever God brings

Related scriptures (2 Corinthians 1:1,Ephesians 1:5, John 6:39-40,Psalm 115:3,Isaiah 46:9-11, Romans 8:27)

Revealed Will for Man
1.The Declared will of God
2.Law or Commandments of God
3.Found in the Word of God
4.What man should be doing
5.Man ought to perform
6.Absolutely should be done
7.Done imperfectly by us
8.Resistible
9.Violation is sin
10.Responsible party: man
11.Object of this will is a duty
12.We can know
13.We need to know
14.Sinful man doesn’t want to know
15.Is for us to DO
16.Conditional

We pray for grace
To DO whatever God commands

Related Scriptures (Mark 3:35,Romans 12:1-2,Ephesians 6:6,1 Thessalonians 4:3,1 John 2:17,1 Thessalonians 5:18)
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Pastor Edward Elton describes the revealed will of God and then His secret will this way “By doing God’s will is first signified a yielding of obedience to God in all things that He, in His written Word, requires to be done of us and by us; it is also the submitting of ourselves unto Him willingly, in all things whatsoever he lays upon us to be suffered of us and by us. We are to resolve before such things be laid upon us, to suffer them patiently when they come, whatsoever they shall be and, when they are on us, quieting ourselves, and resting contented in the good will and pleasure of God therein revealed.”

This is where it gets hard, when we suffer illness or tragedy, to rest contented that this is the good will and pleasure of God. But the peaceable fruit of righteousness which comes after we have suffered for awhile is that slowly we begin to realize the deep, rich goodness He brings as His grace is made perfect in our weakness, confusion, pain and feeble attempts at obedience. Our daily battle to exercise faith when we cannot see or feel His presence results in a faith muscle that is big and strong. We also come to know Him more intimately which is one of the greatest blessings we can receive.
I am also struck with how most of our prayers are to change His decreed will to fit our will. I am motivated to pray more that I will obey His revealed will in the midst of suffering under His decreed will that I might bring Him glory and become more like Him.

Please join me in Thanksgiving and Petitions
*Thank God for the opportunity to minister to a friend battling cancer
*Thank God for this season of grieving and healing
*Thank God for keeping us all healthy so far (No swine flu yet!)
*Please pray that God will help us to accept His will as to whether I am cancer free at the end of treatment or not
*Please pray that we would all have a zeal for God, His word and His righteousness and that we would love Him and His will above all else.
*Please pray that He would protect me during and after surgery and that I will use my time well with my hands in my pockets
*Please pray for Tim and my family as they minister to me and we all adjust to the next phase of treatment*Please pray for my sister in law’s extended family who live in the Philippines and who were hard hit by the Typhoon

September 9, 2009
Cells Hopefully Behaving Again (Specifics of Treatment)
Well, we finished my last chemo and what a time of celebration. As the nurse was pulling the needle out of my port I noticed behind the counter another nurse blasting the U2 song “It’s a Beautiful Day” and I thought they were just letting down after a hard day. Soon they were all surrounding me with bubbles, a mug filled with candy and a beautiful certificate they all signed. The whole chemo room was clapping, Margaret was crying and I was rocking out and celebrating. It was a joyous time. I got to give out three cancer books, pray with a fellow chemo patient and fellowship with another. Letting go of chemo, believe it or not is a hard transition. It has been a blessed time of fellowship with all who came to be with me and it is comforting to think that a drug is fighting off cancer cells. It feels very vulnerable to not have that anymore, especially since my body made cancer cells twice. It is wonderful to think that I will not be blasted again in three weeks though and I am looking forward to enjoying a nice Indian summer this September and getting stronger every day!

Before The Face of God (Personal Meditations)
It is good to give thanks to the Lord and to sing praises to Your name, o Most High. To declare Your loving kindness in the morning and Your faithfulness by night….for You, O Lord have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands. (Psalm 92:1-2, 4).
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever! His mercies surely have been new every morning. When I think back on this summer and all of His many blessings I am overwhelmed with His love and mercy. I must share a particularly meaningful one. Tim and I and Spencer and Eric had such a wonderful trip to Yellowstone and The Grand Tetons. The weather was spectacular and we were in awe of God’s creative power and genius and playfulness as we saw the dynamic earth bubbling and spouting all around us. The beauty of the Tetons was awe inspiring. We crossed Jenny Lake one day to take a beautiful hike and I, wearing my chemo scarf, stood gazing up at a waterfall when my eye caught some rapellers hanging over a sheer rock cliff high above. I marveled at these brave rock climbers. Suddenly a young woman ran up to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and exclaimed “it is always so good to see a fellow sister!” As she backed away I noticed she was totally flat chested and had very little hair and recognized her as a cancer survivor. She informed me that SHE had just come down that rock cliff and that ALL the climbers were cancer survivors! She introduced me to them as they came off the mountain and they all embraced me with their life, love and laughter. I cried all the way down to the boat and as we waited to be shuttled back they all gathered on the boat dock to catch the next one. Impulsively I jumped off and asked for a picture with all of them. They surrounded me again, one of them planting a sloppy kiss on my cheek and as we sped off they made up a cheer for me telling me I too could beat cancer. The timing of it was so incredible!!!
Some of the other incredible mercies that fill my mind, all of them too numerous to mention are:
God sparing me from any secondary infections
The love and support of so many caring friends and family
The growth in Christ likeness I witnessed in all my children
The faithful love of a husband who loves me as my glory fades
Spencer’s loving words telling me I am the most amazing chemo mom and declaring that I never took my misery out on my family. This was truly a testimony to God’s grace in my life, His power made perfect in weakness.
Our two wonderful family vacations
A fun-filled week with my sister and mom when we worked hard to put lots of the summer’s bounty in the freezer to enjoy this winter. Also, my sister took me on a shopping spree to help me pull my wardrobe together so I could feel pretty after surgery
A friend and her daughter coming over to paint a bedroom wall for me while we were gone. The room is spruced up and looking so nice
Being able to study biblical femininity with a college gal and pulling together a small group of women to continue studying this fall so I can stay grounded in God’s word as I continue to heal emotionally and physically.
The opportunity for God’s words to go out to people through the cancer books and the blog. I have heard from some of Joel’s college friends who have been encouraged through struggles as they read of mine.
Looking back over my prayer list as I read “Waiting on God” by Andrew Murray and seeing how God is answering so many of my prayers specifically
Recognizing how God was preparing me all last year, teaching me how to “Preach the Gospel to myself” daily so I could know how to be built up In Him.
Being able to face personal weakness and allow God to work through it, not be so afraid of it.
Learning again and again that we are not validated by our looks or performance. Relishing the amazing truths of the gospel, that we are more sinful and flawed than we know and at the same time more loved and welcomed than we can imagine. God’s love is a gift we can never earn!!!!

Please join me in Thanksgiving for the above and in the following Petitions:

*Please pray that I will continue to take my thoughts captive as chemo ends and I anticipate the next phase of treatment. Pray that I will trust in God’s future grace to uphold me as it has been all along.
* Please pray as I am experiencing some pretty strong grief, I think finally letting down after fighting hard all summer. I am grieving the loss of good health and the changes that will come with surgery. Pray that I will process my emotions biblically and bring everything to God in prayer.
* Please pray that I will continue to be protected from other illness and infection
* Please pray that all cancer cells will be gone and that God will grant me many more years of fruitfulness on the earth
* Please pray that I will trust God for fun and fellowship as my activity level is curtailed. Pray that I will still feel useful and needed as it is more blessed to give than to receive.
* Please pray that the gospel will continue to feed my soul and that I will experience peace and rest as I wait on God’s perfect will
* Please pray for the opportunity for me to share the gospel with a friend who is facing cancer currently.

August 22, 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Specifics of Treatment)
My fifth chemo went off without a big hitch except my port was flipped again. This doesn’t seem to present a big problem as I only have one more chemo! Yea! My dear mother is here for this one and has been a huge help. Margaret and Tim were with me too and we all had a nice visit. I have been to see the reconstructive surgeon and did not find the pictures too encouraging but the Lord has provided some dear women who have had the same procedure I am going to have and they are thrilled with the results. So Lord willing, I will have my last chemo on September 8th after a week at Yellowstone with Tim and the two younger boys. We are going to have an ultrasound to see if they can see any tumor activity after all this chemo. It will not change our treatment plan but Tim thinks it will be good information. Surgery for a double mastectomy is scheduled for Oct. 5th and then I will start radiation as soon as I am healed up enough.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
God continues to use His word and the writing of Christians young and old to encourage me for the battle. We had a rich and relaxing week at Priest Lake enjoying variable weather but lots of together time and wonderful conversation. I was listening to The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis on tape and one chapter in particular really ministered to me. In the book Screwtape, one of Satan’s chief tempters is coaching his nephew Wormwood in how to tempt a Christian and get him away from “The Enemy” who is Christ. Although I am not sure about all of C. S. Lewis’ theology his insights into human nature and God’s ways with man are stunning. Here is an excerpt of the chapter which helped me have hope in my “trough” experience.

“As long as he lives on earth, periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.
To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now, it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than the peaks; some of His special favorites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else.
The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself, creatures whose life, on its miniature scale will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over…….
And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He choose and at any moment. But you now see that the irresistible and the indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (As His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigate degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo….
Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best.
Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”


A few quotes from “The Loveliness of Christ” by Samuel Rutherford

*Grace witherith without adversity. The devil is but God’s master fencer, to teach us to handle our weapons.

*I think the sense of our wants, when withal we have a restlessness and a sort of spiritual impatience under them, and can make a din, because we want him whom our soul loveth, is that which maketh an open door for Christ; and when we think we are going backward, because we feel deadness, we are going forward; for the more sense the more life, and no sense argueth no life.

*I see grace growth best in winter

Please join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God for making this SUCH a fruitful summer in the Lord. In our weakness He has shown Himself to be our strong tower and has produced a harvest of righteousness.
*Praise God for keeping me from any secondary infections so far
*Thank God for the help of so many family and friends. May He bless each one with joy in their service?
*Thank God that the gospel is going out through the books my chemo nurse is giving to patients
*Please pray that God will encourage me in the “trough” times when I do not sense His presence or nearness. Pray that I will obey with a grateful heart.
*Please pray that I can grieve appropriately as I face surgery but not become morbid or introspective.
*Please pray as I begin a book study on Biblical Femininity with some ladies at church. Pray that God will build us up to image Him correctly in a culture with much gender confusion.
*Please pray for Joel as he begins his sophomore year at Grove City that He will manage his time well, take dominion over his studies and follow Christ closely.
*Please pray for Spencer and Eric that they will put Christ first as they get back to school and that they will want to conquer each subject and bring it under the Lordship of Christ.
*Please pray for Tim and me as we face adjustments after the surgery. Pray for strength and joy and love and patience.

August 1, 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Specifics of Treatment)
“Well, what are you planning to do? Just die? Or what?” Hannah rants at her husband Nathan in the elegantly written novel Hannah Coulter, after they discover he has cancer throughout his body. Nathan’s simple plan resonated deeply with me “Dear Hannah, I’m going to live right on. Dying is none of my business. Dying will have to take care of itself.”
And that is what I have been doing!! If a calm meditative state is necessary for healing I do not have a chance. On chemo day I was accompanied by my dear niece Angela from Iowa. My heart was torn as I could not accompany Eric who was playing in the District golf finals in Pullman. Joel joined us and we had an emotional reunion in the chemo room with Margaret and Charlie who returned that day from their month long road trip. The nurse had trouble getting the needle in my port as it had flipped in my chest so a surgeon came and flipped it back around. After chemo we raced home for dinner and went to watch Spencer pitch a dramatic baseball game for the City Championship. They lost by one point and it all came down to the very last pitch!!! We all stole away for a night at Priest Lake to celebrate my birthday. Then it was time to pack up and go to Bellevue to watch Eric play golf in the State Finals as Spencer again pitched for the State baseball finals. Spencer’s team lost their first two games and Eric played valiantly in the hottest weather in history for the Seattle area but did not make the cut to play in the final round. He came in 13th in the state but only the top nine made the cut. I was able to walk 18 holes on the day it was 103 degrees and 9 holes the next day. God is good to give me strength when I need it!!!
Meanwhile we found out from the BRACA test that I do not have the “cancer gene” which is great news for me and my daughter, mother and sister but does not really change our treatment plan.
I get to wait four weeks between chemos this time so we can take a family vacation to Priest Lake so I am looking forward to feeling well for a full two weeks Lord willing.!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
Someone mentioned that they thought I was very brave. I do not feel particularly brave and especially I do not feel brave about the upcoming surgery on Oct. 5th. I was asking the Lord to make me brave and was helped by one of the meditations in the devotional I am reading daily “Waiting on God” by Andrew Murray.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry…And He hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God.” Ps. 40:1-3

Murray points out that the word patience is derived from the Latin word for suffering. It suggests the thought of being under the constraint of some power from which we long to be free. Rather than resisting, patient endurance is our wisest course. We must lovingly and joyfully submit because we know we are in the hands of our blessed Father. This is something I can do NOW, in this current moment. I can practice patiently enduring, trusting God for the strength to patiently endure whatever comes the next moment, hour, day or month. Murray goes on to point out that this patience is a grace for which we need God to strengthen us. We can ask for this much needed grace. Listen to Paul’s prayer for the Colossians.

“ For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects , bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; STRENGTHENED WITH ALL POWER, ACCORDING TO HIS GLORIOUS MIGHT FOR THE ATTAINING OF ALL STEADFASTNESS AND PATIENCE; joyously giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.”

We need the power of God at work in our lives in order to be steadfast and patient! Being brave is nothing more than being able to patiently endure something we are afraid of and in God’s economy we know that there is really nothing to be afraid of in this world because He has promised never to leave us or forsake us.

Please pray that as surgery gets closer I will practice joyful and patient endurance each moment and that God will reveal Himself more and more to me.

Thanksgiving and Prayer
*Thank God for the fruitful summer He has given us. The golf course is in the best shape it has ever been and Tim continues to be a rock solid amazing husband. I have been able to continue serving my family, the boys have had great success in sports and their character on the playing field has drawn attention to the praise of God, Joel has had fruitful ministry with friends, co-workers, and at basketball camp and Margaret and Charlie continue to grow in oneness and winsomeness in their beautiful marriage.
*Praise God for my chemo nurse who is giving out the “Spiritual Survival Guide for Cancer Patients” book to those the Holy Spirit leads her to. Pray that God would encourage many and bring many to Himself as they read His words and Gospel.
*Please pray as the boys attend and serve at our church’s music camp this week. Pray that they will grow in their skill to sing praise to our mighty God!
*Please pray for our family vacation that I will have stamina to bless my family with good meals, that God will keep us safe and give us good fellowship as we prepare to say goodbye to Joel on August 24th
*Please pray the Colossians prayer for our whole family
*Please pray that I will patiently endure and have peace about upcoming surgery and radiation

July 8 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Specifics of Treatment)
Well, bouncing back from chemo was a bit rockier this time. I had a medical scare on day three which turned out to be NOTHING but I was discouraged at my immediate flight into panic!! The fatigue is definitely cumulative and I was very down physically and emotionally for about 5 days. My sister and her husband came to be with me for chemo and my dear friend Janet came from Portland and was with me during the darkest days. She is an oncology nurse in Portland and it was comforting to be able to ask her questions about my treatment and side effects and be reassured that all was normal. Tim is still very busy at the golf course and the boys all have many things to keep them busy. Joel is having fun with his buddies, they all slept out in hammocks one night and this weekend they are going backpacking. Spencer’s team continues to win most of their games and he is pitching well, playing 8-10 games a week. Eric has won third; second and first place finishes in the last three tournaments he has played in so God is granting fun and success to the boys. Margaret and Charlie have found their way to New York to be with my brother and sister in law. The first thing Steve had Charlie do when they arrived was learn to parallel park New York style by finding him the tiniest parking place he could. He made it up to them by treating them to a $250 dinner at a fabulous sushi restaurant thanks to a generous gift from Grandma Cathy. Margaret says she can’t quit thinking about the meal, the amazing tastes and presentation of the food. They were in DC for the fourth of July and are having great weather. Next stop is Cape Cod!! We have enjoyed delicious meals from friends and I have loved the fellowship of dear women who come to help. I am going a bit stir crazy and craving a change of scene but am taking a week long water color class that is food for the soul!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I have been blessed by reading the book of Habakkuk. I was so discouraged by my fearful response as I waited to be checked out for a secondary side effect. As I struggled to bring my thoughts captive I read this tiny book which has some familiar and well loved passages. I was struck with the fact that God brought Habakkuk to a place of Victory in the midst of circumstances that were harrowing not by changing his circumstances in any way. Habakkuk had to wait for God’s judgment to come to his land through a very wicked people. He had all the physical responses of fear as he waited but his heart was still rejoicing in the Lord!!!! I realized I could not bring my own heart to a place of Victory but God could and as I have waited on Him He again has been faithful to give me a new song of praise to Him. My friend told me she looked up the Hebrew name Habakkuk and the root word means embrace. Only God can help us embrace our trials as His gifts, uniquely designed for our frame to help us to know Him, Glorify Him and to make us more like Him. May Habakkuk’s prayer be ours in the midst of these troubling times we live in.

“I heard and my inward parts trembled, at the sound my lips quivered. Decay enters my bones, and in my place I tremble. Because I must wait quietly for the day of distress. For the people to arise who will invade us…..

THOUGH THE FIG TREE SHOULD NOT BLOSSOM AND THERE BE NO FRUIT ON THE VINES, THOUGH THE YIELD OF THE OLIVE SHOULD FAIL AND THE FIELDS PRODUCE NO FOOD, THOUGH THE FLOCK SHOULD BE CUT OFF FROM THE FOLD AND THER BE NO CATLLE IN THE STALLS,

YET I WILL EXULT IN THE LORD, I WILL REJOICE IN THE GOD OF MY SALVATION. THE LORD GOD IS MY STRENGTH, AND HE HAS MADE MY FEEL LIKE HINDS; FEET, AND HE MAKES ME WALK IN MY HIGH PLACES.”

HAKAKKUK 3:16-19

Pleas join me in Thanksgiving and Prayer
*Praise God that He is able to “Make our feet like hind’s feet and make us walk in the high places”
*Thank God for His daily provisions and mercies
*Thank God for no secondary infections so far
*Thank God for keeping Margaret and Charlie safe and for giving them such a fun vacation
*Please pray for Tim as he tries to balance his busy work schedule with home responsibilities. Pray that God would give him a new song!!!
*Please pray as we welcome our niece Angela for a visit next week. Pray for good fellowship and fun.
*Please pray that I will be able to handle the cumulative fatigue of three more chemo rounds. I am halfway done!
*Please pray that we will all remember to sing praises to God every day.

June 28, 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Specifics of Treatment)
God has given me energy to spare as evidenced in the fact I have been so busy keeping up with the family I have not had “down time” to blog. Since the last time I updated we have had lots of baseball and driver’s education for Spencer, lots of golf for Eric (who shot a 73 on Tuesday to qualify for districts), lots of work and fellowship and a delightful visit from Grove City friends for Joel, Margaret and Charlie’s departure for a 7,000 mile road trip, Father’s Day celebration, a long awaited date night with Tim after his big tournament was over at the golf course and a double wedding which we attended. We have also entered into the heavy grief and trial of our friend’s loss of their 18 year old son in a tragic accident on Hayden Lake in which two brothers collided with one another on jet skis and the Lord took one of them home to be with Him. The memorial was such a testimony of God’s goodness and grace in the midst of heart wrenching grief. Hunter had a scripture verse he had recently posted by his bed which said “And He makes EVERYTHING (Hunter’s emphasis) work out according to His plan.” (Ephesians 1:b). Please pray for the Graham family as they begin to process their sudden loss. Pray that the many teens who attended the service will respond to the exhortation to surrender their lives to the Lord and live in light of eternity. We have had good discussions as a family and I have seen good fruit already in my son’s lives.
Tim and I met with the breast surgeon who will perform the double mastectomy and came away cheered and encouraged. We definitely have the “dream team” for my treatment. We are now scheduled for October 5th for surgery which should last for about 3!/2 hours not 10 as I was told so I was relieved. Interestingly she told us the amount of time you are under anesthesia effects you about the same whether you are under for 3 or 10 hours, it is the going under and coming out that are the critical times. I do remember a very fuzzy brain after surgery last time so that along with chemo brain may not be too pretty. Don’t expect much out of me after Oct. 5th!!!! Maybe I will re-read my favorite children’s books during that time and put away my new read “The Intellectual Life” Its Spirit, Conditions, Methods by A.G. Serillanges.
I will have my third chemo tomorrow, accompanied by my dear sister Cindy who came over from Seattle and has been cleaning all my cupboards!!! We have the same sense of humor and laugh a lot so we are having fun!! Tim will go with Uncle Jim and Eric to a golf tournament and then to Spencer’s baseball game then all will gather for a dinner provided by a friend. Joy in the midst of suffering!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
June 19th by Samuel Green from “The Grace of Necessity”

One secret is to want
What the world is. The lilac
Blooms turn brown? We
Love their airy lightness, their pastel
freckles scattered on the raised grain
Of cedar boards on the deck. A hemlock
breaks off in the wind? The light is better,
say. By such small deceits
the beauty of grief is put away.

I love the idea of wanting what the world is. A card I received this week brought clarity. The woman Margaret and I had seen at Starbuck’s the first day I tried out my wig said our joy and laughter and my comment “How can I complain when God has been so good” has cheered her every day since! Would my words have had such an impact had everything in my life been as I would wish it? I love Elisabeth Elliott’s definition of suffering…having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have. God has many good purposes in our trials including producing fruit, to silence the devil, to glorify God, to make us more like Jesus, to teach us dependence, to refine our lives, to rebuke sin, and to enlarge our ministry. For me I am never so desperate to seek His face as when I am going through trial. C. S. Lewis once said” God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” I confess I get a bit impatient with my brothers and sisters who don’t have time to read His word and pray, to faithfully pray for and find ways to share the gospel truths with those around them, who are lethargic and lukewarm about what Christ has done. But it is cancer that has motivated me. Will you let it motivate you to live more in light of eternity?

The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Please join me in Thanksgiving and Prayer
*Thank you for so many faithful prayer warriors. Every time you pray for me would you please pray for your pastors? I am struck with how powerful your prayers are…there is NO OTHER EXPLANATION for how well we are doing. How much our pastors need our faithful prayers!!!
* Thank God for all the timely help we have received
* Thank God for helping Tim get through his busiest season. Please pray that he will be able to regroup and prioritize his time well. Thank God for continuing to give him favor in the eyes of the country club members and board and for giving him a job he enjoys.
*Please pray that my bladder infection will get cleared up before my counts drop in 7 days and that the antibiotics won’t mess with my tummy too much.
*Please pray that I will use my energy as God would have me as the fatigue accumulates each chemo round.
*Please pray that God would lift a feeling of anxiety that is just below the surface as surgery draws closer. Also we have chosen to have the test to find out if I carry the gene for breast cancer to decide if I should also have a hysterectomy. These are all “new” trials I have not faced before. Pray that He will comfort me with His word and presence and help me to take my thoughts captive.
* Please pray that God will keep Margaret and Charlie safe on their road trip and give them a wonderful time.

Margaret and I at Starbucks with my new wig!

Cathy Yates hostessed my hat party. Thank you dear ladies for purchasing ALL these cute hats for me!

June 13th 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Treatment Progress)
Well the second round of chemo has gone quite well. The infusion only took three hours instead of five and I was actually a bit disappointed that I didn’t have another two hours with my husband and daughter as a captive audience!!!!!! Margaret and I visited a darling boutique next door that is for cancer patients and were inspired by the owner who has had much tragedy in her life but bubbles over with joy and love. I was praying for a place to give out one of my favorite books to people for free in order for the gospel to be spread. She said I could put them in her store and she would offer them to customers so that was a big answer to prayer. The book is called “Everyday Strength: A Spiritual Survival Guide for Cancer Patients.” By Randy Becton. He gives daily readings and scripture passages and shows the way of salvation very clearly. I am planning on using the money I am saving in my food budget because people are bringing meals to purchase the books so if you have brought me a meal you are helping to spread the gospel!!!!!
Joel was my “steroid buddy” when I couldn’t sleep the day before and the day of chemo. Being a college student he loves to stay up late anyway and we had fun watching movies and talking about spiritual things and life in general. He has been such a blessing to all of us since he has been home.
Physically I have felt pretty good this round and have kept up with the family pretty well. Thursday was my hardest day as I experienced deep lethargy and depression and spiritual darkness. I felt as if I could not face the treatment regime ahead of me. I went to bed thinking I was on a slippery slope but purposed to set my mind on Christ my bridegroom and reminding myself that I am His bride. I rehearsed gospel truths from a pearl of a little pamphlet called “The Precious Promises of the Gospel” by Joseph Alleine from Soli Deo Gloria Publications.” The next morning I woke up and the blackness was gone and I could face the world again!!!
I am having some kind of skin reaction so would appreciate prayer that we can get it under control. Margaret and Charlie will be leaving on their month long road trip next week, Spencer will start driver’s education, Joel and Tim are very busy at the golf course, and Eric will be playing lots of golf and playing in tournaments. I am meeting weekly with two young women from church which is a blessing and enjoying fellowship with the many helpers who come my way!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
“All events are under the control of Providence; consequently all the trials of our outward life are traceable at once to the great First Cause. Out of the golden gate of God’s ordinance the armies of trial march forth in array, clad in their iron armor, and armed with weapons of war. All providences are doors to trial. Even our mercies, like roses, have their thorns. Men may be drowned in seas of prosperity as well as in rivers of affliction. Our mountains are not too high, and our valleys are not too low for temptations: trials lurk on all roads. Everywhere, above and beneath, we are beset and surrounded with dangers. Yet no shower falls unpermitted from the threatening cloud; every drop has its order ere it hastens to the earth. The trials which come from God are sent to prove and strengthen our graces, and so at once to illustrate the power of divine grace, to test the genuineness of our virtues, and to add to their energy. Our Lord in His infinite wisdom and superabundant love, sets so high a value upon His people’s faith that He will not screen them from those trials by which faith is strengthened. You would never have possessed the precious faith which now supports you if the trial of your faith had not been like unto fire. You are a tree that never would have rooted so well if the wind had not rocked you to and fro, and made you take firm hold upon the precious truths of the covenant of grace. Worldly ease is a great foe to faith; it loosens the joints of holy valor, and snaps the sinews of sacred courage. The balloon never rises until the cords are cut; affliction doth this sharp service for believing souls. While the wheat sleeps comfortably in the husk it is useless to man, it must be threshed out of its resting place before its value can be known. Thus it is well that Jehovah trieth the righteous, for it causeth them to grow rich towards God.”

Charles Spurgeon

“Call upon Me in the day of trouble: I will deliver you and you shall glorify Me.” Ps. 50:15

“May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob set you securely on high! May He send you help from the sanctuary, and support you from Zion! May He grant you your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your counsel. We will sing for joy over your victory, and in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May the Lord fulfill all your petitions. Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He will answer me from his Holy heaven, with the saving strength of His right hand. Some boast in chariots, and some in horses; but we will boast in the name of the Lord, our God. They have bowed down and fallen; BUT WE HAVE RISEN AND STOOD UPRIGHT. Save, O Lord; may the King answer us in the day we call. Psalm 20

Please join me in Thanksgiving and Prayer
*Thank God for answering prayer for sustenance and for upholding all of us through this
* Thank God for answering our prayer to have a place to give out the gospel book
* Please pray that God will protect me from secondary infections
* Please pray that God will protect Margaret and Charlie on their road trip! Pray that He will keep them safe on the road, keep the car running and bring them back safely to us.
* Please pray for my peace amidst the ever changing summer schedule and that I will trust God to fulfill all His purposes in the boys’ lives.
* Please pray that I will use any extra energy to serve Tim and my family and be open to ministry opportunities God may have.

June 5 2009
Cells Behaving Predictably!!!
What a joy it has been to feel better the last week and a half!!! My blood counts returned to normal so Tim and I went to a wonderful wedding in Wenatchee. My hair started falling out as predicted the day of the wedding but I just pulled it back in a pony tail, forgot about it and enjoyed myself thoroughly!!! That Monday things started getting messy but I pulled my hair back again and went to a hat shower given by some dear friends. It was a fun and memorable time on a very hard day. Margaret wrote a poem for me which she read and we all cried. The next day I decided it was time to shave my head so Margaret and I went to my hairdresser together. While she was shaving I cried, Margaret cried and my hairdresser cried!!!! She cut and shaped my new wig and I wore it out of the shop. Margaret suggested Starbuck’s and I said I wished I would see someone I knew who didn’t know about the cancer to test out the wig on. Sure enough we saw our pediatrician in Starbucks who said hello and “OH! I love your hair! We laughed and told her she was our test to see if the wig looked legit. She could not believe it was a wig. God is so kind!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
Margaret’s poem really inspired me. It was inspired by Lord Byron’s poem which starts out “She Walks in Beauty”. I have purposed that even though I don’t feel beautiful on the outside, to try to walk in beauty through this trial. By God’s grace all of us can take whatever circumstances we are given and walk through them with Truth, Beauty and Goodness. I share the poem with you in hopes that it will inspire you to “Walk in Beauty”.

She Walks in Beauty
By Margaret Dowers

She walks in beauty, like the sun
In it’s daily race to rise.
All it’s stalwart courage to run
meets in her soft hands and eyes.

Today she fights a well known war
one fear and treatment at a time.
She’s trod this weary road before
And walked in beauty through the climb.

An army rushed in to tear
her flesh, to rob her strength and song.
To dull her cheek and take her hair
But she who walks in beauty, walks on.

This force is not her enemy
though he wears a sickly face.
Giving life through misery,
HE walks with her at beauty’s pace.

The Devil’s lies and empty talk
persist, but nothing will appease
His anger when he sees her walk
In boldest beauty through disease.

Her cheek, so soft and eloquent
will bear the sun kissed victor’s smile
And tell of days in goodness spent
When she walked, beautifully, her hardest mile.

I also thought you might enjoy a recipe. On Memorial Day I was feeling pretty bad and was invited to a friend’s house for a BBQ. Nothing was very appetizing but she had made up a salad which had about 6 ingredients that are on my cancer fighting diet I am on. This salad was so soothing to my tummy and I felt great about eating it!!! I felt God had been directing her when she made it!!!!

Asparagus Potato Salad

1 ½ lbs. cooked asparagus, chopped into 2” pieces
12 red potatoes cooked and quartered
1 can artichoke hearts, not in oil
1 container grape tomatoes cut in half
1 can black olives
4 string cheeses, cut up
Pine nuts
2 Tbsp. pesto, dash of balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper to taste

I am so thankful for all the joyous occasions we have been able to enjoy during this time…two beautiful God ordained marriages, graduations, Joel’s homecoming, and all the beautiful times I have had praying and sharing with those who have come to help. I am reminded of Edith Schaeffer’s words from “What is a Family”. She recalls caring for her husband’s mother for seven years and being with her in the hospital while sewing wedding dresses for her daughter’s wedding. “We must say to ourselves and to our children, there is never a series of little packages of time given to you in life labeled:TIME FOR AN ILLNESS, TIME FOR A WEDDING, TIME FOR A DEATH, TIME FOR A BROKEN LEG, TIME FOR CRUSHED RIB MUSCLES……..TIME FOR THREE CHILDREN WITH MEASLES ….TIME FOR A DISAPPOINTMENT. You can’t face the sickness, the operations, the broken arms and legs, the serious diseases, the disasters, or even the headaches, unless you realize there is NEVER a convenient time set aside for joy or sorrow, protected by neat little walls so that the two things will not mingle and spoil each other.”

Please join me in Thanksgiving and Prayer:
*Praise God for His mercies and kindnesses which are new every morning!
*Please pray that I will be brave facing my second treatment on Monday June 8th
*Please pray God will protect me from any secondary infections
*Please pray that we will find a good routine with Joel home and the boys off of school
*Please pray for my hero Tim who is working long hours. Pray for joy and strength
*Please pray for all our dear helpers that God will give them extra strength and stamina
*Please pray for ultimate healing and that God will grant me many more years on the earth.

May 26th 2009
Cells Behaving Badly #4 (specifics of cancer treatment and progress)
I am starting to come out of the initial “assault” and my body is recovering a state of equilibrium. Without too much sordid detail it seems that days 4-8 are the worst and it basically felt that all cells, inside and out were inflamed! I am so thankful for modern medicines which ease the side affects. As I expected these were also low times emotionally and spiritually. I will try to recall my meditations before I start feeling better as God is glorified when in our misery we cling to Him and call out to Him.

Before the Face of God (Personal meditations)
In my lowest state I never felt despair but such a deep sense of all my losses. The hardest part of pruning is when even good healthy blossoms need to go in order for the plant to produce more vigorously. I love to plan, make goals, and love to envision future ministry opportunities. Every time I begin to do this I am thwarted in some way and brought back to the fact that I can’t make any big plans for the next few months and maybe even a couple of years with the surgeries etc. SO I am learning very painstakingly to :WAIT ON THE LORD” for everything. This is such a blessed and important lesson. First of all I am not the author of my story, He is. Second, I am dependent on Him every moment to sustain my life in every way and I have a deep sense of not wanting to go in any direction apart from His blessed will. I am learning that his will is the most blessed place to be in the center of and that He is jealous that we find our heart satisfaction in Him alone.
When you lose your health, you feel the loss in all your other blessings as well. It is hard to enjoy the many good things around you and sometimes all the health and vigor around you make you feel more alienated and alone. The pleasure of God himself is one that is not diminished in the midst of suffering but He becomes all the dearer as you experience the different aspects of His character which sustain you.

I have been helped my other’s words who have experienced this same pruning from the Lord.

“Much of the loss that tends to take our breath away has to do with God’s jealous love. God is willing to have our dreams crumble, our plans fail and our hopes erode in order to win back the love of our hearts. He could not love us and let our job, house, friend, spouse, child or position replace Him. His love is beautifully intolerant. He is willing to be severe in order not to lose us. He is willing to do drastic things in order to free us from slavery to things that were never meant to rule us.” Paul David Tripp

“How simple for me to live with you O Lord. How easy to believe in you. When in my confusion my soul bears itself or bends, when the most wise can see no further than this night and do not know what tomorrow brings, you fill me with clear certainty that you exist and that you watch to see that all the paths of righteousness be not closed. From the heights of worldly glory I am astonished by the path through despair that you have provided for me. This path from which I have been worthy enough to reflect your radiance to men. All that I will yet reflect you will grant me, and for that which I will not succeed in reflecting you have appointed others”. Alexander Solzhenitsyn

THOSE WHO SOW IN TEARS WILL REAP WITH SONGS OF JOY PSALM 126:5
“It is good that we should have to submit to what we do not understand. It teaches us the laws of faith and hope. It is good that we should have to do what we would rather not do in circumstances not of our choice. It is good that there should be always something to prick us or something to remind us that we are in an enemy’s country and we belong in a marching column. It is good that every creature we lean upon should fail or disappoint us. It is good that we should meet with checks and failure in what we undertake to keep us humble and prayerful. And all these things belong to sowing in tears.” Janet Erskine Stuart

FOR THUS SAYS THE LORD GOD, THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL;

“IN RETURNING AND REST YOU SHALL BE SAVED;
IN QUIETNESS AND CONFIDENCE SHALL BE YOUR STRENGTH.” Isaiah 30:15

Please join my in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Thank God for no secondary illnesses so far
*Thank God for His abundant provision of practical and spiritual help through His people and especially my precious family
*Thank God for His sustaining power. Also Joel is loving Chemistry and doing well!!!
*Please pray that God will guard me from any infections while my counts are low
*Please pray for protection and health as Tim and I travel to Wenatchee for Xander Knight’s wedding!!!
*Please pray for our family adjustment as Joel comes home for the summer this weekend!!
*Please pray that we ALL learn to WAIT ON THE LORD!!!!

May 21 2009
Cells Behaving Badly #3 (specifics of cancer treatment and progress)
My first chemotherapy treatment has gone quite well. I was blessed to have Tim and Margaret by my side for the five hours of infusion. I was impressed with how humble, thankful and joyful all the chemo patients were. My nurse was amazing. She was so attentive and thoughtful and looked me right in the eyes and explained everything she was doing. She was warm and gracious and loving. I found out at the end of the day that she had a raging migraine headache!!! You never would have known. These nurses definitely have a calling from the Lord.
I was able to be quite active with help around the house Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I felt very shaky and weak coming off the steroids but was able to persevere and work a bit at home, pray, encourage others with the word and go out for a nice walk with Tim which I have done every night so far. So many have helped with chores and meals and I am greatly encouraged by the Body of Christ in action!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
Psalm 33 has been my meditation today when my body feels the most assaulted by the chemo. I will put parts of it in here but encourage you to read it in its entirety.
“Sing for joy in the Lord, o you righteous ones; praise is becoming to the upright” vs. 1
“For the word of the Lord is upright and all His work is done in faithfulness. He loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of the loving-kindness of the Lord. Vs. 4-5
“By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of His mouth all their host” vs. 6

“FOR HE SPOKE AND IT WAS DONE; HE COMMANDED AND IT STOOD FAST.” VS. 9

WOW!!! This verse stopped me in my tracks. When I speak sometimes it is followed by action. When the Lord speaks it IS action. Whatever he speaks he does. What a motivation to search His word for what he is doing and take all his promises to heart!!!!!

“Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His loving-kindness, to deliver their soul from death and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your loving-kindness, O Lord, be upon us, According as we have hoped in you.” Vs. 18-22

Please join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God that “He is so vastly wonderful, so utterly and completely delightful, that He can without anything other than Himself meet and overflow the deepest demands of our total nature, mysterious and deep as that nature is.” (A.W. Tozer)
*Thank God with me for His wonderful provision of practical help through the body of Christ
*Pray for my dear Tim who has a cold and feels very behind. Pray that he will experience God’s sustaining power
*Pray that God will protect me from infection as my blood counts go down the next few days
*Pray that our whole family will seek Christ as our greatest treasure and mine all we can from our trial.

*Please send me prayer requests through my e-mail as I would count it a privilege to pray with you!!!!!

May 17 2009
Cells Behaving Badly # 2 (specific of cancer treatment and progress)
Since my last post we have had two extensive tests to determine if the cancer has spread anywhere else in my body. Thankfully they did not detect cancer anywhere else. This took a heavy weight off of us. We have a sense that we have faced and triumphed over this before and by God’s grace can do it again but if we would have found cancer everywhere in my body I am not sure how we would have reacted. I start chemotherapy tomorrow (Monday) and will have Margaret and Tim at my side. When I had my port put in (a device put in the chest to deliver chemo infusions through so they don’t have to poke you every time) Margaret and Tim were there as I recovered and both of them felt faint and needed to sit down!!! We got a good laugh out of that. Both want to be on the front lines with me so pray that they will not experience queasiness.

Before the Face of God (personal meditations)
Margaret and Charlie came by tonight and we all had a precious prayer time together. Tim read the words of this hymn and they ministered deeply to my soul. I hope they are an encouragement to all of you as well.

What e’er My God Ordains is Right
Samuel Rodigast, 1675
What e’er my God ordains is right: His holy will abideth: I will be still what e’er He doth, and follow where He guideth. He is my God: Though dark my road, He holds me that I shall not fall: Wherefore to Him I leave it all.
What e’er my God ordains is right: He never will deceive me: He leads me by the proper path, I know He will not leave me. I take, content, what He hath sent: His hand can turn my griefs away, and patiently I wait His day.
What e’er my God ordains is right: though now this cup, in drinking, may bitter seem to my faint heart, I take it, all unshrinking. My God is true: each morn anew sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart. And pain and sorrow shall depart.
What e’er my God ordains is right: here shall my stand be taken: though sorrow, need or death be mine, yet I am not forsaken. My Father’s care is round me there: he holds me that I shall not fall: and so to Him I leave it all.

Please Join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God for all the prayers of the saints and all the practical help and encouragement we have received so far. You all know who you are and we thank you deeply from our hearts
*Praise God for how well the kids are doing. Please pray that they will continue to go to God as their source of delight and blessings.
*Pray for Joel as he tackles chemistry in a two week intercession. I teased him that he starts CHEM as I start CHEMO!
*Along with the requests from the last post please pray that I will delight in the Lord and find Him to be all that my heart desires.

The Journey Begins

Cells Behaving Badly #1 (specifics of cancer treatment and progress)

I think it was Martin Luther who said the best way to learn theology is through meditation and suffering. Well, God has enrolled me in seminary…..for the second time! 11 years ago we got the dreaded diagnosis of breast cancer and after a rigorous regime of chemo, surgery and radiation I was declared cancer free. This continued until a routine mammogram showed a suspicious spot earlier this month. The familiar shot of fear raced through me but after having spent all spring learning to “Preach the Gospel to Myself” I immediately began putting into practice what I had learned. God’s peace has sustained me throughout these early weeks of tests and diagnosis. Last time the tumor was very high up in my left breast with lymph node involvement. This time the tumor is high up in my right breast with lymph node involvement. Treatment will be very similar. 18 weeks of chemotherapy, surgery upgraded to a double mastectomy, radiation and then reconstructive surgery six months later. All told, over a year of treatment.

Before the Face of God (personal meditations)

As the visceral response to the news awakens me many nights with my heart pounding I have found the discipline of talking to myself rather than listening to myself to be invaluable. My meditations have centered on Philippians 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” and Psalm 27 “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom (or what) shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; whom (or what) shall I dread? ………One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle.”

Please join me in Prayer...

*That God will use us to make His name known among those we come in contact with during treatment
*That God will help us all find a rhythm and routine during chemotherapy
*That the boys will become prayer warriors
*That God will use the means we have chosen to heal my body
*That we as a family will experience His peace which passes all understanding
*That Leslie will use whatever energy she has to continue serving her family and not whimp out!!!!