October 13, 2009
Cells Hopefully Behaving Again (Specifics of Treatment)
Wahoo! Surgery is behind us! It went extremely well and I am physically healing very well. I am off all pain medications. I was not prepared for the enormous impact of the procedure on my sense of physical, emotional and spiritual well being. I am bound up very tightly in the chest and it is a very oppressive and claustrophobic feeling. It is hard to relax or feel comfortable but it is important to keep this bandage on until all my drains are out. I feel a huge sense of grief which I think will just take time to get over so I am trying to be patient. Having to keep my arms perfectly quiet means I have no stress relief such as swimming or doing household tasks. Because I don’t do a lot physically during the day it is hard to sleep at night and it is very hard to get comfortable. It feels a bit like post traumatic stress syndrome!!!
In the midst of all this I am being extremely well cared for. Tim remains a most dear and faithful husband. He looks at me lovingly, tells me I am beautiful and says “Now I can hug you even closer!” Sigh! True love beats romanticism any time. My dear friend Sue who is a nurse from Wenatchee came to be with us in the hospital. We realized we have been friends for 26 years and though we have lived apart since our years at Multnomah School of the Bible God has woven our lives together in many ways through the years. Her son got married last year to Amber and my recovery nurse immediately after surgery was Amber’s aunt! She is a Christian and said I was an inspiration to her which goes to show God works best through our weakness because I have no recollection of anything I said or did but I know I was not feeling very chipper!
A friend from church has faithfully come over to help with my dressings, bring us eggs from her chickens and freshly baked healthy bread and muffins. Margaret comes by daily and does whatever needs doing as well as teaching me to play piano. Mom continues to cook and clean daily with an amazingly cheerful attitude. When she filled in to change my dressings I made her promise if I let her take on this task she would let me help her someday if she is ill or infirm. Somehow I don’t think she will be as docile of a patient as I am!!! She agreed though. Dear mothers from the Oaks filled my freezer with casseroles so that has helped a lot with the meals. I know many many others are faithfully praying and are respecting our request to keep things very quiet around here to help me rest and heal.
This forced isolation was not sufficient to keep the flu out of our midst. Tim came down with some form on Thursday night and was in bed for three days straight. This has meant no hugs, keeping far apart and sleeping in separate rooms. In addition to this he started Jury duty on Monday!! As my friend whose son has Leukemia said when I told her this….OF COURSE! It seems she has experienced this same clustering of inconveniences during her son’s treatment.
It is looking like two of my drains will be able to come out in a week but two will probably stay in longer. Until then no showers. UGG!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
In the midst of all this I am still keenly aware of God’s intimate involvement and care. The other night I was asking Him to help me get at the root of my grief. It seems to be much bigger than just the results of surgery. His word came to me with such force it almost seemed to be an audible voice, though it wasn’t. The truth “I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly” resonated through me. I went to sleep meditating on this and asking Him to show me what constitutes this abundant life. I didn’t seem to be experiencing it!!!
The next day as I continued to meditate on the verse and read a pamphlet on suffering by a Christian counselor I realized that many of the losses in life are things which we think are what constitute LIFE. This summer I have had friends who have children with cancer, have lost a son, have had a major heart attack and the list goes on. I also know of people who seem to have everything yet are still despondent, angry, sad and unsatisfied. I began to understand that if we try to find LIFE anywhere outside of Jesus we will be disappointed. If a good gift of God is taken away from us and we thought it was the source of LIFE our grief will be much greater than simply losing something that gave us great pleasure.. My grief has been lifted a bit as I ponder that, in the midst of loss and suffering, I have abundant life.
Yet, how do I appropriate it? By claiming all He has promised me in His word because I am His child. I have started praying the promises daily. I think many times we live as paupers not realizing what a great inheritance has been given us in Christ. I look forward to God opening my spiritual eyes to what this abundant life is I have in Christ. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ (Ephesians1:3)
The other HUGE lesson that seems so hard to learn is just BEING. I don’t realize how much my identity is based on doing until I am forced to BE STILL while others joyfully minister to me and show me such love. It seems humiliating to me yet God wants me to just receive it with joy!!! Human pride is so insidious!! I have never felt as vulnerable as I do when my daughter is helping me with my sponge bath and dressings. I call it my daily humiliation. Yet Christ washed his servant’s feet and said if they did not allow him to do it they had no part in him. This takes huge processing within my soul to enjoy being served for so long by so many. Yet God wants to serve us in this way every minute.

Please join me in Praise and Thanksgiving
* THANK YOU DEAR JULIE FOR YOUR DAILY POSTS TO GET ME THROUGH THE FIRST WEEK AFTER SURGERY. MAY GOD RICHLY BLESS YOU!
*Praise God for a successful surgery and such a skilled surgeon. Also for a pathology report which indicated no cancer on the left, none in the lymph nodes on the right, some residual tumor in the right breast but far from the chest wall and very slow growing. This means the chemo did its job systemically and having the mastectomy was a good decision to get the rest of the tumor out!
*Praise God for His continued unceasing ministry to us through His word, His Spirit and His people.
*please pray that my fluid levels will go down so I can get the drains out soon.
*Please pray for my dear father who will be having surgery to take some cancer out of his bladder and to explore a small tumor in his pancreas
*Please pray for Tim’s mom as she struggles with health issues
*Please pray that I will learn the lessons God has for me from being still, receiving His love unconditionally and believing all He has given me for abundant life.
*Please pray that God continues to strengthen my primary caregivers and all those who have come alongside us
*PLEASE PRAY THAT GOD WILL USE THIS TO FURTHER HIS KINGDOM AND BRING GLORY TO HIS NAME

Cancer Survivors in the Grand Tetons

Enjoying God's creation in Yellowstone

September 29, 2009,
Cells Hopefully Behaving Again (Specifics of Treatment)
I have been enjoying a season of “relative” quiet with more time for reflection and processing all that has happened, all God has done and preparing emotionally for surgery. I went through a time of grieving but God has made my heart much lighter this week and I am confident that come Monday morning I will be experiencing all the grace I need to face surgery and accept whatever the outcome is. We will find out then if the chemo did it’s work and should know in a week the pathology reports. I am told that I can do anything I want after surgery as long as I keep my hands in my pockets! They don’t want any arm movement while the drainage tubes are in so hopefully if I am a good girl the tubes will come out earlier rather than later. It could be anywhere from 1-4 weeks.
God continues to encourage me through His word and His people. Today I met with a woman whose daughter goes to Grove City where Joel goes. She had the same procedure I will be having in a year for reconstruction. She unabashedly showed me the results and it is amazing what nice results they get! So after all of this deconstruction I will be looking forward to reconstruction in a year.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I met with ten women last week to begin a study on biblical femininity. I came away realizing that if I had not had breast cancer I would not have met with Stacey Miller this summer who came weekly to help me and wanted to study the word together, I would not have been introduced to the Five Aspects of Womanhood material she wanted to study,. I would not have felt so assaulted in my femininity and been so motivated to continue studying and we would not have our wonderful group!!! Just one example of the many “good things” God has brought out of my trial. We have been studying the Lord’s Prayer in Sunday school and I have been helped by being reminded of the difference in God’s Decreed will and His Declared will. I realized that my struggle is mainly with His Decreed will or His Secret Will which comes to us moment by moment in all the providences He sends our way. I have trouble trusting that ALL is meant for my good. Studying the differences has helped me to pray more in line with God’s will and brought me much peace. Thank you to our brother Dr. Bennett for such clear teaching on this and for the following chart.

Secret Will of God
1. The Decreed Will of God
2. Decrees of God
3. Found in the Mind of God
4. What God is doing
5.God surely performs
6.Absolutely shall be done
7.Done perfectly by God
8. Irresistible
9.Violation is impossible
10.Responsible party is God
11.Object of this will is an event
12. We cannot know
13. We need not know
14. Sinful man wants to know
15. Is for us to accept
16. Unconditional

We pray for grace
To accept whatever God brings

Related scriptures (2 Corinthians 1:1,Ephesians 1:5, John 6:39-40,Psalm 115:3,Isaiah 46:9-11, Romans 8:27)

Revealed Will for Man
1.The Declared will of God
2.Law or Commandments of God
3.Found in the Word of God
4.What man should be doing
5.Man ought to perform
6.Absolutely should be done
7.Done imperfectly by us
8.Resistible
9.Violation is sin
10.Responsible party: man
11.Object of this will is a duty
12.We can know
13.We need to know
14.Sinful man doesn’t want to know
15.Is for us to DO
16.Conditional

We pray for grace
To DO whatever God commands

Related Scriptures (Mark 3:35,Romans 12:1-2,Ephesians 6:6,1 Thessalonians 4:3,1 John 2:17,1 Thessalonians 5:18)
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Pastor Edward Elton describes the revealed will of God and then His secret will this way “By doing God’s will is first signified a yielding of obedience to God in all things that He, in His written Word, requires to be done of us and by us; it is also the submitting of ourselves unto Him willingly, in all things whatsoever he lays upon us to be suffered of us and by us. We are to resolve before such things be laid upon us, to suffer them patiently when they come, whatsoever they shall be and, when they are on us, quieting ourselves, and resting contented in the good will and pleasure of God therein revealed.”

This is where it gets hard, when we suffer illness or tragedy, to rest contented that this is the good will and pleasure of God. But the peaceable fruit of righteousness which comes after we have suffered for awhile is that slowly we begin to realize the deep, rich goodness He brings as His grace is made perfect in our weakness, confusion, pain and feeble attempts at obedience. Our daily battle to exercise faith when we cannot see or feel His presence results in a faith muscle that is big and strong. We also come to know Him more intimately which is one of the greatest blessings we can receive.
I am also struck with how most of our prayers are to change His decreed will to fit our will. I am motivated to pray more that I will obey His revealed will in the midst of suffering under His decreed will that I might bring Him glory and become more like Him.

Please join me in Thanksgiving and Petitions
*Thank God for the opportunity to minister to a friend battling cancer
*Thank God for this season of grieving and healing
*Thank God for keeping us all healthy so far (No swine flu yet!)
*Please pray that God will help us to accept His will as to whether I am cancer free at the end of treatment or not
*Please pray that we would all have a zeal for God, His word and His righteousness and that we would love Him and His will above all else.
*Please pray that He would protect me during and after surgery and that I will use my time well with my hands in my pockets
*Please pray for Tim and my family as they minister to me and we all adjust to the next phase of treatment*Please pray for my sister in law’s extended family who live in the Philippines and who were hard hit by the Typhoon

September 9, 2009
Cells Hopefully Behaving Again (Specifics of Treatment)
Well, we finished my last chemo and what a time of celebration. As the nurse was pulling the needle out of my port I noticed behind the counter another nurse blasting the U2 song “It’s a Beautiful Day” and I thought they were just letting down after a hard day. Soon they were all surrounding me with bubbles, a mug filled with candy and a beautiful certificate they all signed. The whole chemo room was clapping, Margaret was crying and I was rocking out and celebrating. It was a joyous time. I got to give out three cancer books, pray with a fellow chemo patient and fellowship with another. Letting go of chemo, believe it or not is a hard transition. It has been a blessed time of fellowship with all who came to be with me and it is comforting to think that a drug is fighting off cancer cells. It feels very vulnerable to not have that anymore, especially since my body made cancer cells twice. It is wonderful to think that I will not be blasted again in three weeks though and I am looking forward to enjoying a nice Indian summer this September and getting stronger every day!

Before The Face of God (Personal Meditations)
It is good to give thanks to the Lord and to sing praises to Your name, o Most High. To declare Your loving kindness in the morning and Your faithfulness by night….for You, O Lord have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands. (Psalm 92:1-2, 4).
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever! His mercies surely have been new every morning. When I think back on this summer and all of His many blessings I am overwhelmed with His love and mercy. I must share a particularly meaningful one. Tim and I and Spencer and Eric had such a wonderful trip to Yellowstone and The Grand Tetons. The weather was spectacular and we were in awe of God’s creative power and genius and playfulness as we saw the dynamic earth bubbling and spouting all around us. The beauty of the Tetons was awe inspiring. We crossed Jenny Lake one day to take a beautiful hike and I, wearing my chemo scarf, stood gazing up at a waterfall when my eye caught some rapellers hanging over a sheer rock cliff high above. I marveled at these brave rock climbers. Suddenly a young woman ran up to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and exclaimed “it is always so good to see a fellow sister!” As she backed away I noticed she was totally flat chested and had very little hair and recognized her as a cancer survivor. She informed me that SHE had just come down that rock cliff and that ALL the climbers were cancer survivors! She introduced me to them as they came off the mountain and they all embraced me with their life, love and laughter. I cried all the way down to the boat and as we waited to be shuttled back they all gathered on the boat dock to catch the next one. Impulsively I jumped off and asked for a picture with all of them. They surrounded me again, one of them planting a sloppy kiss on my cheek and as we sped off they made up a cheer for me telling me I too could beat cancer. The timing of it was so incredible!!!
Some of the other incredible mercies that fill my mind, all of them too numerous to mention are:
God sparing me from any secondary infections
The love and support of so many caring friends and family
The growth in Christ likeness I witnessed in all my children
The faithful love of a husband who loves me as my glory fades
Spencer’s loving words telling me I am the most amazing chemo mom and declaring that I never took my misery out on my family. This was truly a testimony to God’s grace in my life, His power made perfect in weakness.
Our two wonderful family vacations
A fun-filled week with my sister and mom when we worked hard to put lots of the summer’s bounty in the freezer to enjoy this winter. Also, my sister took me on a shopping spree to help me pull my wardrobe together so I could feel pretty after surgery
A friend and her daughter coming over to paint a bedroom wall for me while we were gone. The room is spruced up and looking so nice
Being able to study biblical femininity with a college gal and pulling together a small group of women to continue studying this fall so I can stay grounded in God’s word as I continue to heal emotionally and physically.
The opportunity for God’s words to go out to people through the cancer books and the blog. I have heard from some of Joel’s college friends who have been encouraged through struggles as they read of mine.
Looking back over my prayer list as I read “Waiting on God” by Andrew Murray and seeing how God is answering so many of my prayers specifically
Recognizing how God was preparing me all last year, teaching me how to “Preach the Gospel to myself” daily so I could know how to be built up In Him.
Being able to face personal weakness and allow God to work through it, not be so afraid of it.
Learning again and again that we are not validated by our looks or performance. Relishing the amazing truths of the gospel, that we are more sinful and flawed than we know and at the same time more loved and welcomed than we can imagine. God’s love is a gift we can never earn!!!!

Please join me in Thanksgiving for the above and in the following Petitions:

*Please pray that I will continue to take my thoughts captive as chemo ends and I anticipate the next phase of treatment. Pray that I will trust in God’s future grace to uphold me as it has been all along.
* Please pray as I am experiencing some pretty strong grief, I think finally letting down after fighting hard all summer. I am grieving the loss of good health and the changes that will come with surgery. Pray that I will process my emotions biblically and bring everything to God in prayer.
* Please pray that I will continue to be protected from other illness and infection
* Please pray that all cancer cells will be gone and that God will grant me many more years of fruitfulness on the earth
* Please pray that I will trust God for fun and fellowship as my activity level is curtailed. Pray that I will still feel useful and needed as it is more blessed to give than to receive.
* Please pray that the gospel will continue to feed my soul and that I will experience peace and rest as I wait on God’s perfect will
* Please pray for the opportunity for me to share the gospel with a friend who is facing cancer currently.

August 22, 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Specifics of Treatment)
My fifth chemo went off without a big hitch except my port was flipped again. This doesn’t seem to present a big problem as I only have one more chemo! Yea! My dear mother is here for this one and has been a huge help. Margaret and Tim were with me too and we all had a nice visit. I have been to see the reconstructive surgeon and did not find the pictures too encouraging but the Lord has provided some dear women who have had the same procedure I am going to have and they are thrilled with the results. So Lord willing, I will have my last chemo on September 8th after a week at Yellowstone with Tim and the two younger boys. We are going to have an ultrasound to see if they can see any tumor activity after all this chemo. It will not change our treatment plan but Tim thinks it will be good information. Surgery for a double mastectomy is scheduled for Oct. 5th and then I will start radiation as soon as I am healed up enough.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
God continues to use His word and the writing of Christians young and old to encourage me for the battle. We had a rich and relaxing week at Priest Lake enjoying variable weather but lots of together time and wonderful conversation. I was listening to The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis on tape and one chapter in particular really ministered to me. In the book Screwtape, one of Satan’s chief tempters is coaching his nephew Wormwood in how to tempt a Christian and get him away from “The Enemy” who is Christ. Although I am not sure about all of C. S. Lewis’ theology his insights into human nature and God’s ways with man are stunning. Here is an excerpt of the chapter which helped me have hope in my “trough” experience.

“As long as he lives on earth, periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.
To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now, it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than the peaks; some of His special favorites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else.
The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself, creatures whose life, on its miniature scale will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over…….
And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He choose and at any moment. But you now see that the irresistible and the indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (As His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigate degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo….
Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best.
Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”


A few quotes from “The Loveliness of Christ” by Samuel Rutherford

*Grace witherith without adversity. The devil is but God’s master fencer, to teach us to handle our weapons.

*I think the sense of our wants, when withal we have a restlessness and a sort of spiritual impatience under them, and can make a din, because we want him whom our soul loveth, is that which maketh an open door for Christ; and when we think we are going backward, because we feel deadness, we are going forward; for the more sense the more life, and no sense argueth no life.

*I see grace growth best in winter

Please join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God for making this SUCH a fruitful summer in the Lord. In our weakness He has shown Himself to be our strong tower and has produced a harvest of righteousness.
*Praise God for keeping me from any secondary infections so far
*Thank God for the help of so many family and friends. May He bless each one with joy in their service?
*Thank God that the gospel is going out through the books my chemo nurse is giving to patients
*Please pray that God will encourage me in the “trough” times when I do not sense His presence or nearness. Pray that I will obey with a grateful heart.
*Please pray that I can grieve appropriately as I face surgery but not become morbid or introspective.
*Please pray as I begin a book study on Biblical Femininity with some ladies at church. Pray that God will build us up to image Him correctly in a culture with much gender confusion.
*Please pray for Joel as he begins his sophomore year at Grove City that He will manage his time well, take dominion over his studies and follow Christ closely.
*Please pray for Spencer and Eric that they will put Christ first as they get back to school and that they will want to conquer each subject and bring it under the Lordship of Christ.
*Please pray for Tim and me as we face adjustments after the surgery. Pray for strength and joy and love and patience.

August 1, 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Specifics of Treatment)
“Well, what are you planning to do? Just die? Or what?” Hannah rants at her husband Nathan in the elegantly written novel Hannah Coulter, after they discover he has cancer throughout his body. Nathan’s simple plan resonated deeply with me “Dear Hannah, I’m going to live right on. Dying is none of my business. Dying will have to take care of itself.”
And that is what I have been doing!! If a calm meditative state is necessary for healing I do not have a chance. On chemo day I was accompanied by my dear niece Angela from Iowa. My heart was torn as I could not accompany Eric who was playing in the District golf finals in Pullman. Joel joined us and we had an emotional reunion in the chemo room with Margaret and Charlie who returned that day from their month long road trip. The nurse had trouble getting the needle in my port as it had flipped in my chest so a surgeon came and flipped it back around. After chemo we raced home for dinner and went to watch Spencer pitch a dramatic baseball game for the City Championship. They lost by one point and it all came down to the very last pitch!!! We all stole away for a night at Priest Lake to celebrate my birthday. Then it was time to pack up and go to Bellevue to watch Eric play golf in the State Finals as Spencer again pitched for the State baseball finals. Spencer’s team lost their first two games and Eric played valiantly in the hottest weather in history for the Seattle area but did not make the cut to play in the final round. He came in 13th in the state but only the top nine made the cut. I was able to walk 18 holes on the day it was 103 degrees and 9 holes the next day. God is good to give me strength when I need it!!!
Meanwhile we found out from the BRACA test that I do not have the “cancer gene” which is great news for me and my daughter, mother and sister but does not really change our treatment plan.
I get to wait four weeks between chemos this time so we can take a family vacation to Priest Lake so I am looking forward to feeling well for a full two weeks Lord willing.!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
Someone mentioned that they thought I was very brave. I do not feel particularly brave and especially I do not feel brave about the upcoming surgery on Oct. 5th. I was asking the Lord to make me brave and was helped by one of the meditations in the devotional I am reading daily “Waiting on God” by Andrew Murray.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry…And He hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God.” Ps. 40:1-3

Murray points out that the word patience is derived from the Latin word for suffering. It suggests the thought of being under the constraint of some power from which we long to be free. Rather than resisting, patient endurance is our wisest course. We must lovingly and joyfully submit because we know we are in the hands of our blessed Father. This is something I can do NOW, in this current moment. I can practice patiently enduring, trusting God for the strength to patiently endure whatever comes the next moment, hour, day or month. Murray goes on to point out that this patience is a grace for which we need God to strengthen us. We can ask for this much needed grace. Listen to Paul’s prayer for the Colossians.

“ For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects , bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; STRENGTHENED WITH ALL POWER, ACCORDING TO HIS GLORIOUS MIGHT FOR THE ATTAINING OF ALL STEADFASTNESS AND PATIENCE; joyously giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.”

We need the power of God at work in our lives in order to be steadfast and patient! Being brave is nothing more than being able to patiently endure something we are afraid of and in God’s economy we know that there is really nothing to be afraid of in this world because He has promised never to leave us or forsake us.

Please pray that as surgery gets closer I will practice joyful and patient endurance each moment and that God will reveal Himself more and more to me.

Thanksgiving and Prayer
*Thank God for the fruitful summer He has given us. The golf course is in the best shape it has ever been and Tim continues to be a rock solid amazing husband. I have been able to continue serving my family, the boys have had great success in sports and their character on the playing field has drawn attention to the praise of God, Joel has had fruitful ministry with friends, co-workers, and at basketball camp and Margaret and Charlie continue to grow in oneness and winsomeness in their beautiful marriage.
*Praise God for my chemo nurse who is giving out the “Spiritual Survival Guide for Cancer Patients” book to those the Holy Spirit leads her to. Pray that God would encourage many and bring many to Himself as they read His words and Gospel.
*Please pray as the boys attend and serve at our church’s music camp this week. Pray that they will grow in their skill to sing praise to our mighty God!
*Please pray for our family vacation that I will have stamina to bless my family with good meals, that God will keep us safe and give us good fellowship as we prepare to say goodbye to Joel on August 24th
*Please pray the Colossians prayer for our whole family
*Please pray that I will patiently endure and have peace about upcoming surgery and radiation

July 8 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Specifics of Treatment)
Well, bouncing back from chemo was a bit rockier this time. I had a medical scare on day three which turned out to be NOTHING but I was discouraged at my immediate flight into panic!! The fatigue is definitely cumulative and I was very down physically and emotionally for about 5 days. My sister and her husband came to be with me for chemo and my dear friend Janet came from Portland and was with me during the darkest days. She is an oncology nurse in Portland and it was comforting to be able to ask her questions about my treatment and side effects and be reassured that all was normal. Tim is still very busy at the golf course and the boys all have many things to keep them busy. Joel is having fun with his buddies, they all slept out in hammocks one night and this weekend they are going backpacking. Spencer’s team continues to win most of their games and he is pitching well, playing 8-10 games a week. Eric has won third; second and first place finishes in the last three tournaments he has played in so God is granting fun and success to the boys. Margaret and Charlie have found their way to New York to be with my brother and sister in law. The first thing Steve had Charlie do when they arrived was learn to parallel park New York style by finding him the tiniest parking place he could. He made it up to them by treating them to a $250 dinner at a fabulous sushi restaurant thanks to a generous gift from Grandma Cathy. Margaret says she can’t quit thinking about the meal, the amazing tastes and presentation of the food. They were in DC for the fourth of July and are having great weather. Next stop is Cape Cod!! We have enjoyed delicious meals from friends and I have loved the fellowship of dear women who come to help. I am going a bit stir crazy and craving a change of scene but am taking a week long water color class that is food for the soul!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I have been blessed by reading the book of Habakkuk. I was so discouraged by my fearful response as I waited to be checked out for a secondary side effect. As I struggled to bring my thoughts captive I read this tiny book which has some familiar and well loved passages. I was struck with the fact that God brought Habakkuk to a place of Victory in the midst of circumstances that were harrowing not by changing his circumstances in any way. Habakkuk had to wait for God’s judgment to come to his land through a very wicked people. He had all the physical responses of fear as he waited but his heart was still rejoicing in the Lord!!!! I realized I could not bring my own heart to a place of Victory but God could and as I have waited on Him He again has been faithful to give me a new song of praise to Him. My friend told me she looked up the Hebrew name Habakkuk and the root word means embrace. Only God can help us embrace our trials as His gifts, uniquely designed for our frame to help us to know Him, Glorify Him and to make us more like Him. May Habakkuk’s prayer be ours in the midst of these troubling times we live in.

“I heard and my inward parts trembled, at the sound my lips quivered. Decay enters my bones, and in my place I tremble. Because I must wait quietly for the day of distress. For the people to arise who will invade us…..

THOUGH THE FIG TREE SHOULD NOT BLOSSOM AND THERE BE NO FRUIT ON THE VINES, THOUGH THE YIELD OF THE OLIVE SHOULD FAIL AND THE FIELDS PRODUCE NO FOOD, THOUGH THE FLOCK SHOULD BE CUT OFF FROM THE FOLD AND THER BE NO CATLLE IN THE STALLS,

YET I WILL EXULT IN THE LORD, I WILL REJOICE IN THE GOD OF MY SALVATION. THE LORD GOD IS MY STRENGTH, AND HE HAS MADE MY FEEL LIKE HINDS; FEET, AND HE MAKES ME WALK IN MY HIGH PLACES.”

HAKAKKUK 3:16-19

Pleas join me in Thanksgiving and Prayer
*Praise God that He is able to “Make our feet like hind’s feet and make us walk in the high places”
*Thank God for His daily provisions and mercies
*Thank God for no secondary infections so far
*Thank God for keeping Margaret and Charlie safe and for giving them such a fun vacation
*Please pray for Tim as he tries to balance his busy work schedule with home responsibilities. Pray that God would give him a new song!!!
*Please pray as we welcome our niece Angela for a visit next week. Pray for good fellowship and fun.
*Please pray that I will be able to handle the cumulative fatigue of three more chemo rounds. I am halfway done!
*Please pray that we will all remember to sing praises to God every day.

June 28, 2009
Cells Behaving Badly (Specifics of Treatment)
God has given me energy to spare as evidenced in the fact I have been so busy keeping up with the family I have not had “down time” to blog. Since the last time I updated we have had lots of baseball and driver’s education for Spencer, lots of golf for Eric (who shot a 73 on Tuesday to qualify for districts), lots of work and fellowship and a delightful visit from Grove City friends for Joel, Margaret and Charlie’s departure for a 7,000 mile road trip, Father’s Day celebration, a long awaited date night with Tim after his big tournament was over at the golf course and a double wedding which we attended. We have also entered into the heavy grief and trial of our friend’s loss of their 18 year old son in a tragic accident on Hayden Lake in which two brothers collided with one another on jet skis and the Lord took one of them home to be with Him. The memorial was such a testimony of God’s goodness and grace in the midst of heart wrenching grief. Hunter had a scripture verse he had recently posted by his bed which said “And He makes EVERYTHING (Hunter’s emphasis) work out according to His plan.” (Ephesians 1:b). Please pray for the Graham family as they begin to process their sudden loss. Pray that the many teens who attended the service will respond to the exhortation to surrender their lives to the Lord and live in light of eternity. We have had good discussions as a family and I have seen good fruit already in my son’s lives.
Tim and I met with the breast surgeon who will perform the double mastectomy and came away cheered and encouraged. We definitely have the “dream team” for my treatment. We are now scheduled for October 5th for surgery which should last for about 3!/2 hours not 10 as I was told so I was relieved. Interestingly she told us the amount of time you are under anesthesia effects you about the same whether you are under for 3 or 10 hours, it is the going under and coming out that are the critical times. I do remember a very fuzzy brain after surgery last time so that along with chemo brain may not be too pretty. Don’t expect much out of me after Oct. 5th!!!! Maybe I will re-read my favorite children’s books during that time and put away my new read “The Intellectual Life” Its Spirit, Conditions, Methods by A.G. Serillanges.
I will have my third chemo tomorrow, accompanied by my dear sister Cindy who came over from Seattle and has been cleaning all my cupboards!!! We have the same sense of humor and laugh a lot so we are having fun!! Tim will go with Uncle Jim and Eric to a golf tournament and then to Spencer’s baseball game then all will gather for a dinner provided by a friend. Joy in the midst of suffering!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
June 19th by Samuel Green from “The Grace of Necessity”

One secret is to want
What the world is. The lilac
Blooms turn brown? We
Love their airy lightness, their pastel
freckles scattered on the raised grain
Of cedar boards on the deck. A hemlock
breaks off in the wind? The light is better,
say. By such small deceits
the beauty of grief is put away.

I love the idea of wanting what the world is. A card I received this week brought clarity. The woman Margaret and I had seen at Starbuck’s the first day I tried out my wig said our joy and laughter and my comment “How can I complain when God has been so good” has cheered her every day since! Would my words have had such an impact had everything in my life been as I would wish it? I love Elisabeth Elliott’s definition of suffering…having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have. God has many good purposes in our trials including producing fruit, to silence the devil, to glorify God, to make us more like Jesus, to teach us dependence, to refine our lives, to rebuke sin, and to enlarge our ministry. For me I am never so desperate to seek His face as when I am going through trial. C. S. Lewis once said” God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” I confess I get a bit impatient with my brothers and sisters who don’t have time to read His word and pray, to faithfully pray for and find ways to share the gospel truths with those around them, who are lethargic and lukewarm about what Christ has done. But it is cancer that has motivated me. Will you let it motivate you to live more in light of eternity?

The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Please join me in Thanksgiving and Prayer
*Thank you for so many faithful prayer warriors. Every time you pray for me would you please pray for your pastors? I am struck with how powerful your prayers are…there is NO OTHER EXPLANATION for how well we are doing. How much our pastors need our faithful prayers!!!
* Thank God for all the timely help we have received
* Thank God for helping Tim get through his busiest season. Please pray that he will be able to regroup and prioritize his time well. Thank God for continuing to give him favor in the eyes of the country club members and board and for giving him a job he enjoys.
*Please pray that my bladder infection will get cleared up before my counts drop in 7 days and that the antibiotics won’t mess with my tummy too much.
*Please pray that I will use my energy as God would have me as the fatigue accumulates each chemo round.
*Please pray that God would lift a feeling of anxiety that is just below the surface as surgery draws closer. Also we have chosen to have the test to find out if I carry the gene for breast cancer to decide if I should also have a hysterectomy. These are all “new” trials I have not faced before. Pray that He will comfort me with His word and presence and help me to take my thoughts captive.
* Please pray that God will keep Margaret and Charlie safe on their road trip and give them a wonderful time.