January 9th, 2010,
Cells being radiated (Specifics of Treatment)
I am praising God for His perfect timing. I was so frustrated that my tubes were not coming out sooner but if I would have started radiation a week earlier I would have hit this awful and dark “wall” I have hit this week, during Christmas week. It is amazing how the cumulative effect of radiation can affect some people. I went to a cancer support group the other night. Two women there said radiation was the hardest part of their treatment. One woman said she could not finish the course. It made me feel a bit better as I am finding this week very dark and difficult. I have no inner resources left and it seems to me that all I have done is fight only to be knocked down and totally depleted. It is a battle with no glory and seemingly no redemptive purpose. There does not seem to be any reward at the end probably because I am not sure if I will remain cancer free or not. In life many times we have to patiently endure but there is some sort of reward at the end. I cannot see the reward of my battle right now. I am reminded of all the heroes of faith in Hebrews chapter 11 who did not receive the reward of their faith until they entered eternity. I simply need to trust that God knows what He is doing even though I cannot see it.
It has also been a hard week because we have had quite a bit of petty crime in our neighborhood. I witnessed three guys parked in front of our house at 3 am on Monday morning, saw them run away, heard an alarm go off and saw them run back to their car and speed off. We have had car and garage break-ins all week. Also last week someone posted a comment on my blog and it was in code. I foolishly opened it and it was pornographic. The effects of the curse are all around and within me and I need to fight to remember that even though I am battling the curse, God is FOR me!
We did have a beautiful day today. To celebrate Joel’s 20th birthday we went to Coeur D’Alene to watch the bald eagles who congregate this time of year and witnessed 10 or more of these majestic creatures, flying, diving and perching on the tops of trees. We then dined at Wolf Lodge where they feature 32 ounce steaks! Charlie and Margaret and Grandma Cathy joined us and it was a memorable day. I did experience a sense of joy today and my soul was refreshed by being in the midst of God’s creation. I am praying that after radiation is over I will regain an inner sense of well-being.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I was encouraged by this daily reading in Joel’s new devotional. It is a compilation of different Puritan authors and is called “Voices From the Past: Puritan Devotional Readings”. I was comforted by the thought that human nature is the same through the ages and our struggles are similar to the Puritan greats whom I have always admired.

HALLOWED BE YOUR NAME
Matthew 6:9
There is in each of us an envy; O how hard a matter it is to rejoice in the gifts, graces, and labours of others, and be content in circumstances, when God casts us by as unworthy, and uses others to glorify his name! We are troubled if others glorify God, and not us, or more than us, or if they are more holy, more useful, or more serious; self will not yield to this. Now by putting up this prayer to God, we leave it to him to choose the instrument that he will employ. We should be content to be abased and obscure provided Christ is honored and exalted. Many times we must be content, not only to be active instruments but passive objects of his glory. If god will glorify himself by our poverty or our disgrace, our pain and sickness, we must be content. We need to deal with God seriously about this matter that we may submit to the Lord’s will as Jesus:”Save me from this hour; but for this cause came I unto this hour: Father, glorify thy name” (John 12:27-28). This was the humble submission of Christ Jesus, and it should be in us. The martyrs were contented to be bound to the stake, if that way God might use them for his glory. “My earnest expectation and hope…Christ…exalted in my body, whether by life or by death” (Phil 1:20). We need to deal with God that we may have the end, and leave the means to his own choosing; that God may be glorified in our condition, whatever it is. If he wills for us to be rich and full, that he might be glorified in our bounty; if he wills for us to be poor and low, that he may be glorified in our labour; if he will have us sick, that he may be glorified in our pain; if he will have us live, that he may be glorified in our lives ; if he will have us die, that he may be glorified in our deaths (Rom 14:8)

Thomas Manton (works 1:77)

Please join me in Praise and Prayer
*Praise God for His perfect timing
*Praise God for the love and support of so many people
*Please pray that God will renew my strength and joy and in the meantime I will trust Him that he is working His good will in my life
*Please continue to pray for my healing
*Please pray for wisdom for Tim and I as we make decisions after treatment about which estrogen blocking drug to take, whether to have a hysterectomy or not and when to do reconstructive surgery. Pray that we will just take one decision at a time and trust God to guide and lead us.

January 3, 2010
Cells Being Radiated (Specifics of Treatment)
WHEW! God has graciously upheld me through a wonderful, joyful, whirlwind of a Christmas season. I was able to keep up with all the usual holiday activities and it was one of our best Christmases. Some highlights were seeing Spencer and Eric sing in an a capella quartet for The Oaks Christmas program and receive a standing ovation. This was the fruit of my efforts to encourage Eric out of his comfort zone and the goal I have that each of my children will have a creative outlet. He has had the hardest time deciding what he wanted to pursue so he told me to “just choose something”. This summer while going through chemo I had quite a few boys come and go trying out the choir. The four boys who have stuck with it have melded their voices together and sounded great. Little did we know that the week after they sang there would be a singing competition on TV featuring all a Capella choirs. Our guys are on the cutting edge of “cool”! My thanks to Kent Young who has taught our boys that singing is a manly activity!!
We also enjoyed our annual Jesus birthday party with four other families whose kids all grew up with our kids. It is so inspiring to see how so many of the kids are following the Lord and pursuing such interesting paths. Joel missed it this year as he was still taking finals on December 22nd! YIKES! He arrived home in time for Christmas Eve and a ten hour celebration with Charlie and Margaret. We had such fun visiting, eating, watching “Joyeux Noel” and playing our new addictive game “Settlers of Catan”. God gave me the energy to cook up a storm and we enjoyed a sumptuous leg of lamb, homemade rolls, homemade chocolate e’clairs, peppermint pie, homemade cinnamon rolls and our traditional prime rib with the Dionne’s on Christmas night. I got four days off from radiation over Christmas and three days for New Years.
My skin is becoming quite red and feels very tight and uncomfortable. It is hard to imagine that it can take thirteen more days of this but it is nice to have the end in sight. God has allowed me to give out the cancer book to two people at radiation so the gospel is being spread!
I am so thankful for my physical therapy which has helped me get my range of motion back in my arms and is keeping me from developing scar tissue. I have just begun to experience the heavy fatigue so am looking forward to being back in a school routine. My dear mother is here again and is helping me keep on top of the housework.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
God has continued to teach me to take my thoughts captive and to treasure Christ above all other things or relationships. Someone has rightly said “God is our only circumstance”. I was challenged by one author who is a cancer survivor who pointed out how easy it is for us to put our trust in things that God has never promised yet to distrust Him and His word where he gives us so many sure promises. I realized how faithful he is to bring about circumstances which reveal our own hearts to us and to continue to draw us back to the only sure source of security and comfort in this world. I heard about an acquaintance who spent a week thinking her daughter might have lymphoma yet it turned out she didn’t. Her comment was that she was amazed that her faith failed her during that week and she was a wreck. I think God was graciously showing her that her faith was possibly misplaced and I pray that He will continue to shepherd her to place her faith in His sure promises to her and her children.
Tim and I enjoy using Table Talk as a daily devotional we go through with the boys. This month the theme is “Anxiety and the Sovereignty of God”. There are some great articles and I wanted to share some excerpts.

From Paul David Tripp’s article “Thinking biblically about worry”

“Many of us live with a huge gap between the theological confidence that we celebrate on Sunday and the street-level fear, worry and anxiety that accompanies us the rest of the week”

“Everyday, somehow, someway, the brokenness of your world will press in on you. It will be this way until you cross over to the other side….the difficulties of life in this fallen world are the occasion of our worry, but not the cause…..As a result of sin, no longer do we attach our inner peace to a God who is the definition of wisdom, power, and love and who will never ever change. No, without realizing what we have done, we begin to look for identity, meaning and purpose, and our inner sense of well-being horizontally. We look to the broken and ever changing situations and relationships of this fallen world for our purpose and our inner rest. Things that were not designed to give us peace and over which we have no control become our replacement messiahs.”

“I am deeply persuaded that real, lasting personal rest of heart is never to be found in ease of circumstances. Even in the best of situations in this fallen world your heart will be able to find reasons to worry. Inner rest of soul and lasting peace of heart are only ever found when Jesus and His kingdom are your highest and deepest treasure. When you place your identity in His never-changing hands, when you find your meaning and purpose in the unstoppable work of His kingdom, and when you place your inner sense of well-being on the sure foundation of His promise to meet your every need, you will be able to rest even when the situations and relationships around you are broken.”

From Ed Welch’s article “Peace that passes all understanding”

“We will have hardships in life, of that there is no doubt. Scripture does not offer a kingdom that spares us from pain. The King does promise, however, that He will be with us in every trial and will give us all the manna we need so that we can know Him better, trust Him, live for Him, and be increasingly transformed to look more like Jesus no matter what the wilderness of life might throw at us.”

“Essential to this battle with fear and anxiety is the gift of humility. It fits perfectly, doesn’t it? In our anxiety we are usually concerned about things we love. We want control. We want to take matters into our own hands, to protect our future, but we are finding that it is impossible to manage all possible contingencies. We want to protect our kingdom. Find anxiety and you often find that your agenda is more important to you than God’s. You might find that you adopt your own interpretation of God’s world rather than submit to God’s clear words about His power, love and care.”
And so in the new year I am praying that I and my dear ones will learn to treasure Christ more and more and to put our trust where the only true security in life lies. May these scriptures inspire us to pray that God will give us all the peace that passes understanding, whatever our circumstances.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of god so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on hi, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep’ for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8)

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” (John 14:27)

Please join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God that He is Immanuel “God with us”
*Praise God that He gives us grace when we need it
*Thank God for His sustaining grace to us through the holidays and radiation
*Please pray for my burned and tightening skin and discomfort. Pray that I will not confuse the emotional effects of pain and discomfort with a lack of peace.
*Please pray that God will continue to give sweet fellowship in our family as Joel is home
*Please pray for my stamina and wisdom to rest when needed through the busy basketball season
*Please pray that God will take all cancer cells from my body and help me to know what I need to be doing to remain healthy (i.e. diet, exercise, sleep etc.)
*Please pray for Tim and me as we parent our boys, that we will have wisdom and be a blessing to them as they are to us.

December 10, 2009
Cells Being Radiated (Specifics of Treatment)
I have not written in so long I don’t know if I have any followers left but it is still good to express what God is doing in our midst! It is hard to believe but the memory of the dreaded tube phase of my recovery has faded almost completely and I am adding many more pleasant memories to my file daily. Because the tubes took so long to come out we had to wait to start radiation which meant I got a wonderful break for Thanksgiving. God provided our WHOLE family (Tim, Leslie, Margaret (with baby Dowers inside),Charlie, Joel, Spencer and Eric, with a precious and memorable trip to the Napa Valley where my brother and his wife hosted our whole extended family and Jocelyn’s extended family for a lovely dinner. The weekend included lots of sunshine, a trip into San Francisco, shopping and art galleries, lovely walks, games, family entertainment and LOTS OF LAUGHTER. It struck me that among my many blessings is the fact that I am on good terms with everyone in my whole extended family.
The few days away gave me a much needed boost to come home and start radiation. I have completed 7 with 26 to go! I was disappointed when I realized I will be doing radiation the whole time Joel is home for the holidays, but decided to re-frame it with “ I get to have Joel home the whole time I have to go through radiation.!” YEA! I am also doing physical therapy two times a week to learn preventative lymphodema massage and to get back my range of motion in my arms. This keeps me very busy during an already hectic season but we are settling into a nice routine.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
Joy to the World! the Lord is come; Let earth receive her King! Let every heart prepare Him room and heaven and nature sing!
Joy to the world! The Savior reigns; Let men their songs employ; while fields and floods, rocks hills and plains repeat the sounding Joy!
No more let sins and sorrows grow, nor thorns infest the ground; He comes to make His blessings flow far as the curse is found!
He rules the world with truth and grace and makes the nations prove the glories of His righteousness, and wonders of His love!

This is one of the songs I will play in my piano recital…yes part of taking piano lessons is doing a recital. I will soon experience that out of body experience all performers must go through during a recital. Pray for me!! The Lord continues to impress upon my heart how serious He is about JOY! It permeates the scriptures.

Nehemiah 8:10 Then he said to them, “Go , eat of the fat, drink of the sweet, and send portions to him who has nothing prepared, for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be grieved, for the JOY of the Lord is your strength.”

Psalm 5:11 But let all who take refuge in You be glad, let them ever sing for JOY; and may You shelter them that those who love Your name may exult in You.

Psalm 16:11 You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of JOY; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.


Psalm 32:11 Be glad in the Lord and rejoice you righteous ones; And shout for JOY, all you who are upright in heart.

Psalm 43:3 O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the altar of God, To God my exceeding JOY; and upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God my God.

But how to maintain JOY in the midst of such a sinful and sorrowful world? This Christmas the familiar story of God being willing to leave the glories of heaven for the strife and suffering of this world, in order that we might be redeemed from it, is especially meaningful for me. Jesus has come time and time again into the wretchedness of my struggling heart and brought light and love and joy. One of our advent readings by Charles Spurgeon from his sermon ”No room at the Inn” expresses it well.

“Well, says one, “I have room for Him, but I am not worthy that He should come to me.” Ah! I did not ask about worthiness; have you room for Him? “Oh! But I feel it is a place not at all fit for Christ!” Nor was the manger a place fit for Him, and yet there was he laid. “Oh!, but I have been such a sinner; I feel as if my heart had been a den of beasts and devils!” Well, the manger had been a place where beasts had fed. Have you room for Him? Never mind what the past has been; He can forget and forgive. It mattereth not what even the present state may be if thou mournest it. If thou hast but room for Christ He will come and be thy guest.
“Oh! Saith one, “I have room for Him but will He come? Will He come indeed! Do you set the door of your heart open , do but say “Jesus, Master, all unworthy and unclean I look to thee, come, lodge within my heart,” and He will come to thee, and He will cleanse the manger of thy heart, nay, will transform it into a golden throne, and there He will reign for ever and ever.
“My Master wants room! Room for him! Room for Him! I, his herald, cry aloud, Room for the Savior! Room! Here is my royal Master-have you room for Him? Here is the Son of God made flesh-have your room for Him? Here is he who can forgive all sin- have you room for Him? Here is he who can take you up out of the horrible pit and out of the miry clay-have you room for Him? Here is he who when he cometh in will never go out again, but abide with you forever to make your heart a heaven of joy and bliss for you-have you room for Him? “Tis all I ask. Your emptiness, your nothingness, your want of feeling, your want of goodness, your want of grace-all these will be but room for Him. Have you room for Him?

“But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great JOY which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:10-11

Please join me in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Praise God for His precious gift of Christ. May we all yearn for Him and treasure Him more fully this year
*Praise God for the continued good care we have received and for all the continuing support we have from family and friends
*Praise God for the steadfast love of my husband who becomes more and more like Christ to me every day
*Please pray that I will accept the continued discomfort I experience with cheerfulness and that I will be diligent in physical therapy
*Please pray that God will continue to give us all perseverance in the midst of the harsh and cold winter months
*Please pray that we will be sensitive and open to opportunities to bless others as we have been blessed

Blessed Christmas to All!!!!!

November 13th, 2009
Cells Calming Down (Specifics of Treatment)
This is the end of the fifth week after surgery. My fluid levels are finally dwindling to dust in my last tube so it looks like it will come out on Monday. I am not sure if they will start radiation until after Thanksgiving or not. I am leaving that in the Lord’s hands. I get stronger every week and am looking forward to being able to take a shower, practice piano and do a bit more around the house. They still want me to keep my arms quiet for awhile so fluid doesn’t build up without the tubes in. This has been a long hard lesson in patience!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
“I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly” (John 10:10)

“A person can’t sustain life on bread alone, but he must live on every word that comes from God’s mouth” (Matthew 4:4)

“Every trial is both a test from God and a temptation from Satan. Here (referring to Jesus’ temptation in the wilderness) both perspectives are brought together as the Spirit and the devil appear in the event.. Each trial is a positive opportunity but can also be a negative danger. Temptation is not sin. Jesus had to think the thoughts suggested by Satan in order to reject them. WHEN ONE MENTALLY ACQUIESCES IN THOSE THOUGHTS HE SINS. TEMPTATIONS MAY BE OVERCOME BY THE USE OF SPECIFIC BIBLICAL TRUTHS THAT SET FORTH GOD’S ALTERNATIVES.” (Jay Adams)

“So all these curses shall come on you and pursue you and overtake you until you are destroyed because you would not obey the Lord your god by keeping His commandments and His statutes which he commanded you. They shall become a sign and a wonder on you and your descendants forever BECAUSE YOU DID NOT SERVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH JOY AND A GLAD HEART FOR THE ABUNDANCE OF ALL THINGS.” ( Deuteronomy 28: 45-48)

“You will show me the path of life. In Your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. (Psalm 16:11)

“And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent (John 17:3)

“You have made known to me the ways of life; You will make me full of joy in your presence. (Acts 2:28)

“For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace (Romans 8:6)

“The fear of the Lord leads to life and he who has it will abide in satisfaction; he will not be visited with evil (Proverbs 19:23)

“Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8)

“In EVERYTHING give thanks for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus ( 1 Thessalonians 5:18)

“Keep in mind that on this earth nothing is truly perfect. We seek divine beauty within the limitations of our present existence. To deny beauty its rightful place of significance, however, would be to cheat ourselves and our families of great blessing and joy. A man who does not desire or appreciate God’s beauty is not truly living, even though he is alive. To be so consumed by the vain and fleeting demands of this passing life that no time or thought is given over to contemplating and living out that which is true, noble, pure, and beautiful, is more than a shame; it is a tragic waste.
In this life, true love can only be known amid the constant threat of loneliness and eventual loss. True peace is comprehended only by faith. Beauty is apprehended alongside much chaos. Yet such things make life more than livable; they make life enjoyable. ( Benjamin K. Wikner: Raising Children in Christ-Centered Truth, Love and Beauty)


“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” E. B. White

Early conclusions:
*Abundant Life is found only in knowing, enjoying and serving the One True God
*I have access to this life only through the saving power of Jesus Christ
*I can only comprehend this life by the Word of God and His Spirit
*God gives me many things to enjoy here on earth which I need to acknowledge and be thankful for but they are fleeting and should be signposts back to Him
*Abundant life is something I must purposefully pursue
*I can’t rightly interpret God by my perceptions of my circumstances but must interpret my circumstances through what God reveals about reality in His Word.
*Trials can be a gateway to more abundant living if they lead me back to God and His Word as my only source of sustenance.
*God is serious about Joy!

Please Join Me in Praise, Thanksgiving and Supplication
*Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow, for steady renewing of strength, for salvation and sustenance by His Word and His Power
*Thank God for His daily provision of help through Tim, Margaret, and many friends
*Thank God for always bringing me encouragement when I am tempted to despair. Thank you to all my faithful friends!
*Please pray that I will face radiation with courage and JOY
*Please pray for strength to enjoy Joel’s homecoming and our trip to Napa California for Thanksgiving
*Please pray that we will pursue Truth, Beauty and Goodness and be full of God’s JOY in our household
*Please pray that God will use us to spread His good news to those who don’t know it yet
*Please pray that God would grant me many more years on the earth and that I will be of service to Him in building His Kingdom
*Please pray that Tim and I will not lose heart in the midst of our trial. but continue to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and to pursue unity and beauty in our marriage.

October 28, 2009
Cells Calming Down (Specifics of Treatment)
We are beginning the fourth week after surgery and my surgeon and oncologist say I am healing very well. I have been able to get two tubes out which was a wonderful relief. The right side is still producing more fluid than my body could absorb so they will stay in (for another week or so. My main struggle here is that they do not want to start radiation until two weeks after my tubes come out so it looks like I will not be done before Christmas with all my treatment. Let’s hope for being done before the new year!!!! I found out today that some women have tubes in for three months so I am thankful that will probably not be the case for me as the levels continue to go down. My activity is still limited and will be even for a few weeks after the tubes come out as they want me to resume slowly as fluid can still build up. We met our radiologist and like him very much. He thinks it might be OK for me to swim during radiation which would be a real blessing for me, even if all I can do is jog in the pool it is a great stress reliever for me.
My mom left last Tuesday and my dear friend Janet (Auntie Janet or JB) who is an oncology nurse, came that night and spent five days with us. We met at Multnomah, have been friends for 26 years and she fits right into our family very well. So God has provided some very personal and professional care for us during recovery.
Tim was sick the week before with the flu and seems to have had a relapse starting Sunday night which I am trying not to panic about. Having him be compromised has added to my sense of vulnerability. It has simply been a season of much trial but we feel very blessed by God at the same time.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)

O, Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.
I am memorizing and meditating on Psalm 131. In my forced inactivity I have become aware of much inward “noise”, most of which is not very pleasant. I am so thankful God is committed to our sanctification and growth and in his mercy is shutting me up to be faced with my own heart and attitudes which are not conformed to Him. Mainly I am confessing pride which is at the root of discontent. It is amazing to me how many times I respond to challenging circumstances thinking I know what is best for me and questioning God’s goodness and wisdom. This Psalm has been a quiet place to rest my soul and to pray that God would make it a reality in my heart. How wonderful to be able to get to the place of being like a contented and weaned child even in the midst of unsettling circumstances.
I have been blessed with many great books, one of which is Brave New Family by G.K. Chesterton. His series of essays on Men, Women, Children, Sex, Divorce and the Family contain lucid insights on the sacredness of the family as God ordained it and the modern attacks on it. In one of his essays titled “The True Victorian Hypocrisy” he gave me tools to battle with in my current situation and spoke to a subject dear to my heart; education.
“ The most essential educational product is Imagination. It is a wandering and even wild Imagination that all schools should chiefly instruct all school-children. For Imagination will teach them how to live a quiet and humdrum life.
This simple truth is now much neglected both by the fashionable and the old-fashioned. The way to make people contented is to make them creative, not to make them barren. I have no desire to lock people up in the parlour or the pantry, or deny them excursions and excitements. But it is strictly true that the larger is their Imagination, the less they will mind being locked up in the parlour; or, for that matter, in the coal-cellar. The child who can see the pictures in the fire will need less to see the pictures on the film. The man who can make up stories about the next-door neighbour will be the less dependent upon the next day’s newspaper. So long as the minds of the poor were perpetually stirred and enlivened by ghost-stories, fairy-stories and legends of wild and wonderful things, they remained comparatively contented; possibly too contented, but still contented. The moment modern science and instruction stopped all these things, we had a Labour Question and the huge discontent of today. Both for good and evil, but especially for good, it is Imagination that keeps people quiet.
On the other hand dull people always want excitement. Three quarters of the real luxury or prodigality or profligacy, that is complained of just now, is due to the dullness of people who cannot imagine anything they do not experience. They are so miserably and dismally stupid that they actually have to do things. They are so poor in spirit that they have to have things. They have to have a flying-machine fitted up with every luxury, because they cannot send their souls up while flying a kite. They have to be in a racing car in order to believe that it really races. If this principle of the inner life were understood, we might today restore the sanity of civilization; and especially the poetry of the home.”
Thank you G.K. for showing me the wonderful opportunity this period of my life is giving me to recapture my imagination, to spend an hour gazing into the fire and making up stories, to listen to the Narnia stories on tape, to make up rhymes, to imagine what heaven is going to be like, to picture all the people I know as stars shining in the sky as I pray for them, to use my imagination, not to worry, but to create.

Please join me in Praise and Thanksgiving
*Praise God for His faithful, intimate, personal care
*Praise God for sustaining us by His Word and His Spirit
*Thank you to all who have provided meals, help and who have prayed so faithfully
*Please pray that God would allow good health to reign in our home again for Tim, the boys and myself
*Please pray that we will continue to make God;s word and prayer priorities in our lives as we resume our normal responsibilities
*Please pray for continued healing from surgery, for contentment with the schedule for radiation and for stamina during radiation
*Please pray that faith, hope, love and joy would reign in our hearts

October 13, 2009
Cells Hopefully Behaving Again (Specifics of Treatment)
Wahoo! Surgery is behind us! It went extremely well and I am physically healing very well. I am off all pain medications. I was not prepared for the enormous impact of the procedure on my sense of physical, emotional and spiritual well being. I am bound up very tightly in the chest and it is a very oppressive and claustrophobic feeling. It is hard to relax or feel comfortable but it is important to keep this bandage on until all my drains are out. I feel a huge sense of grief which I think will just take time to get over so I am trying to be patient. Having to keep my arms perfectly quiet means I have no stress relief such as swimming or doing household tasks. Because I don’t do a lot physically during the day it is hard to sleep at night and it is very hard to get comfortable. It feels a bit like post traumatic stress syndrome!!!
In the midst of all this I am being extremely well cared for. Tim remains a most dear and faithful husband. He looks at me lovingly, tells me I am beautiful and says “Now I can hug you even closer!” Sigh! True love beats romanticism any time. My dear friend Sue who is a nurse from Wenatchee came to be with us in the hospital. We realized we have been friends for 26 years and though we have lived apart since our years at Multnomah School of the Bible God has woven our lives together in many ways through the years. Her son got married last year to Amber and my recovery nurse immediately after surgery was Amber’s aunt! She is a Christian and said I was an inspiration to her which goes to show God works best through our weakness because I have no recollection of anything I said or did but I know I was not feeling very chipper!
A friend from church has faithfully come over to help with my dressings, bring us eggs from her chickens and freshly baked healthy bread and muffins. Margaret comes by daily and does whatever needs doing as well as teaching me to play piano. Mom continues to cook and clean daily with an amazingly cheerful attitude. When she filled in to change my dressings I made her promise if I let her take on this task she would let me help her someday if she is ill or infirm. Somehow I don’t think she will be as docile of a patient as I am!!! She agreed though. Dear mothers from the Oaks filled my freezer with casseroles so that has helped a lot with the meals. I know many many others are faithfully praying and are respecting our request to keep things very quiet around here to help me rest and heal.
This forced isolation was not sufficient to keep the flu out of our midst. Tim came down with some form on Thursday night and was in bed for three days straight. This has meant no hugs, keeping far apart and sleeping in separate rooms. In addition to this he started Jury duty on Monday!! As my friend whose son has Leukemia said when I told her this….OF COURSE! It seems she has experienced this same clustering of inconveniences during her son’s treatment.
It is looking like two of my drains will be able to come out in a week but two will probably stay in longer. Until then no showers. UGG!!!

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
In the midst of all this I am still keenly aware of God’s intimate involvement and care. The other night I was asking Him to help me get at the root of my grief. It seems to be much bigger than just the results of surgery. His word came to me with such force it almost seemed to be an audible voice, though it wasn’t. The truth “I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly” resonated through me. I went to sleep meditating on this and asking Him to show me what constitutes this abundant life. I didn’t seem to be experiencing it!!!
The next day as I continued to meditate on the verse and read a pamphlet on suffering by a Christian counselor I realized that many of the losses in life are things which we think are what constitute LIFE. This summer I have had friends who have children with cancer, have lost a son, have had a major heart attack and the list goes on. I also know of people who seem to have everything yet are still despondent, angry, sad and unsatisfied. I began to understand that if we try to find LIFE anywhere outside of Jesus we will be disappointed. If a good gift of God is taken away from us and we thought it was the source of LIFE our grief will be much greater than simply losing something that gave us great pleasure.. My grief has been lifted a bit as I ponder that, in the midst of loss and suffering, I have abundant life.
Yet, how do I appropriate it? By claiming all He has promised me in His word because I am His child. I have started praying the promises daily. I think many times we live as paupers not realizing what a great inheritance has been given us in Christ. I look forward to God opening my spiritual eyes to what this abundant life is I have in Christ. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ (Ephesians1:3)
The other HUGE lesson that seems so hard to learn is just BEING. I don’t realize how much my identity is based on doing until I am forced to BE STILL while others joyfully minister to me and show me such love. It seems humiliating to me yet God wants me to just receive it with joy!!! Human pride is so insidious!! I have never felt as vulnerable as I do when my daughter is helping me with my sponge bath and dressings. I call it my daily humiliation. Yet Christ washed his servant’s feet and said if they did not allow him to do it they had no part in him. This takes huge processing within my soul to enjoy being served for so long by so many. Yet God wants to serve us in this way every minute.

Please join me in Praise and Thanksgiving
* THANK YOU DEAR JULIE FOR YOUR DAILY POSTS TO GET ME THROUGH THE FIRST WEEK AFTER SURGERY. MAY GOD RICHLY BLESS YOU!
*Praise God for a successful surgery and such a skilled surgeon. Also for a pathology report which indicated no cancer on the left, none in the lymph nodes on the right, some residual tumor in the right breast but far from the chest wall and very slow growing. This means the chemo did its job systemically and having the mastectomy was a good decision to get the rest of the tumor out!
*Praise God for His continued unceasing ministry to us through His word, His Spirit and His people.
*please pray that my fluid levels will go down so I can get the drains out soon.
*Please pray for my dear father who will be having surgery to take some cancer out of his bladder and to explore a small tumor in his pancreas
*Please pray for Tim’s mom as she struggles with health issues
*Please pray that I will learn the lessons God has for me from being still, receiving His love unconditionally and believing all He has given me for abundant life.
*Please pray that God continues to strengthen my primary caregivers and all those who have come alongside us
*PLEASE PRAY THAT GOD WILL USE THIS TO FURTHER HIS KINGDOM AND BRING GLORY TO HIS NAME

Cancer Survivors in the Grand Tetons

Enjoying God's creation in Yellowstone

September 29, 2009,
Cells Hopefully Behaving Again (Specifics of Treatment)
I have been enjoying a season of “relative” quiet with more time for reflection and processing all that has happened, all God has done and preparing emotionally for surgery. I went through a time of grieving but God has made my heart much lighter this week and I am confident that come Monday morning I will be experiencing all the grace I need to face surgery and accept whatever the outcome is. We will find out then if the chemo did it’s work and should know in a week the pathology reports. I am told that I can do anything I want after surgery as long as I keep my hands in my pockets! They don’t want any arm movement while the drainage tubes are in so hopefully if I am a good girl the tubes will come out earlier rather than later. It could be anywhere from 1-4 weeks.
God continues to encourage me through His word and His people. Today I met with a woman whose daughter goes to Grove City where Joel goes. She had the same procedure I will be having in a year for reconstruction. She unabashedly showed me the results and it is amazing what nice results they get! So after all of this deconstruction I will be looking forward to reconstruction in a year.

Before the Face of God (Personal Meditations)
I met with ten women last week to begin a study on biblical femininity. I came away realizing that if I had not had breast cancer I would not have met with Stacey Miller this summer who came weekly to help me and wanted to study the word together, I would not have been introduced to the Five Aspects of Womanhood material she wanted to study,. I would not have felt so assaulted in my femininity and been so motivated to continue studying and we would not have our wonderful group!!! Just one example of the many “good things” God has brought out of my trial. We have been studying the Lord’s Prayer in Sunday school and I have been helped by being reminded of the difference in God’s Decreed will and His Declared will. I realized that my struggle is mainly with His Decreed will or His Secret Will which comes to us moment by moment in all the providences He sends our way. I have trouble trusting that ALL is meant for my good. Studying the differences has helped me to pray more in line with God’s will and brought me much peace. Thank you to our brother Dr. Bennett for such clear teaching on this and for the following chart.

Secret Will of God
1. The Decreed Will of God
2. Decrees of God
3. Found in the Mind of God
4. What God is doing
5.God surely performs
6.Absolutely shall be done
7.Done perfectly by God
8. Irresistible
9.Violation is impossible
10.Responsible party is God
11.Object of this will is an event
12. We cannot know
13. We need not know
14. Sinful man wants to know
15. Is for us to accept
16. Unconditional

We pray for grace
To accept whatever God brings

Related scriptures (2 Corinthians 1:1,Ephesians 1:5, John 6:39-40,Psalm 115:3,Isaiah 46:9-11, Romans 8:27)

Revealed Will for Man
1.The Declared will of God
2.Law or Commandments of God
3.Found in the Word of God
4.What man should be doing
5.Man ought to perform
6.Absolutely should be done
7.Done imperfectly by us
8.Resistible
9.Violation is sin
10.Responsible party: man
11.Object of this will is a duty
12.We can know
13.We need to know
14.Sinful man doesn’t want to know
15.Is for us to DO
16.Conditional

We pray for grace
To DO whatever God commands

Related Scriptures (Mark 3:35,Romans 12:1-2,Ephesians 6:6,1 Thessalonians 4:3,1 John 2:17,1 Thessalonians 5:18)
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Pastor Edward Elton describes the revealed will of God and then His secret will this way “By doing God’s will is first signified a yielding of obedience to God in all things that He, in His written Word, requires to be done of us and by us; it is also the submitting of ourselves unto Him willingly, in all things whatsoever he lays upon us to be suffered of us and by us. We are to resolve before such things be laid upon us, to suffer them patiently when they come, whatsoever they shall be and, when they are on us, quieting ourselves, and resting contented in the good will and pleasure of God therein revealed.”

This is where it gets hard, when we suffer illness or tragedy, to rest contented that this is the good will and pleasure of God. But the peaceable fruit of righteousness which comes after we have suffered for awhile is that slowly we begin to realize the deep, rich goodness He brings as His grace is made perfect in our weakness, confusion, pain and feeble attempts at obedience. Our daily battle to exercise faith when we cannot see or feel His presence results in a faith muscle that is big and strong. We also come to know Him more intimately which is one of the greatest blessings we can receive.
I am also struck with how most of our prayers are to change His decreed will to fit our will. I am motivated to pray more that I will obey His revealed will in the midst of suffering under His decreed will that I might bring Him glory and become more like Him.

Please join me in Thanksgiving and Petitions
*Thank God for the opportunity to minister to a friend battling cancer
*Thank God for this season of grieving and healing
*Thank God for keeping us all healthy so far (No swine flu yet!)
*Please pray that God will help us to accept His will as to whether I am cancer free at the end of treatment or not
*Please pray that we would all have a zeal for God, His word and His righteousness and that we would love Him and His will above all else.
*Please pray that He would protect me during and after surgery and that I will use my time well with my hands in my pockets
*Please pray for Tim and my family as they minister to me and we all adjust to the next phase of treatment*Please pray for my sister in law’s extended family who live in the Philippines and who were hard hit by the Typhoon