May 26th 2009
Cells Behaving Badly #4 (specifics of cancer treatment and progress)
I am starting to come out of the initial “assault” and my body is recovering a state of equilibrium. Without too much sordid detail it seems that days 4-8 are the worst and it basically felt that all cells, inside and out were inflamed! I am so thankful for modern medicines which ease the side affects. As I expected these were also low times emotionally and spiritually. I will try to recall my meditations before I start feeling better as God is glorified when in our misery we cling to Him and call out to Him.
Before the Face of God (Personal meditations)
In my lowest state I never felt despair but such a deep sense of all my losses. The hardest part of pruning is when even good healthy blossoms need to go in order for the plant to produce more vigorously. I love to plan, make goals, and love to envision future ministry opportunities. Every time I begin to do this I am thwarted in some way and brought back to the fact that I can’t make any big plans for the next few months and maybe even a couple of years with the surgeries etc. SO I am learning very painstakingly to :WAIT ON THE LORD” for everything. This is such a blessed and important lesson. First of all I am not the author of my story, He is. Second, I am dependent on Him every moment to sustain my life in every way and I have a deep sense of not wanting to go in any direction apart from His blessed will. I am learning that his will is the most blessed place to be in the center of and that He is jealous that we find our heart satisfaction in Him alone.
When you lose your health, you feel the loss in all your other blessings as well. It is hard to enjoy the many good things around you and sometimes all the health and vigor around you make you feel more alienated and alone. The pleasure of God himself is one that is not diminished in the midst of suffering but He becomes all the dearer as you experience the different aspects of His character which sustain you.
I have been helped my other’s words who have experienced this same pruning from the Lord.
“Much of the loss that tends to take our breath away has to do with God’s jealous love. God is willing to have our dreams crumble, our plans fail and our hopes erode in order to win back the love of our hearts. He could not love us and let our job, house, friend, spouse, child or position replace Him. His love is beautifully intolerant. He is willing to be severe in order not to lose us. He is willing to do drastic things in order to free us from slavery to things that were never meant to rule us.” Paul David Tripp
“How simple for me to live with you O Lord. How easy to believe in you. When in my confusion my soul bears itself or bends, when the most wise can see no further than this night and do not know what tomorrow brings, you fill me with clear certainty that you exist and that you watch to see that all the paths of righteousness be not closed. From the heights of worldly glory I am astonished by the path through despair that you have provided for me. This path from which I have been worthy enough to reflect your radiance to men. All that I will yet reflect you will grant me, and for that which I will not succeed in reflecting you have appointed others”. Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Cells Behaving Badly #4 (specifics of cancer treatment and progress)
I am starting to come out of the initial “assault” and my body is recovering a state of equilibrium. Without too much sordid detail it seems that days 4-8 are the worst and it basically felt that all cells, inside and out were inflamed! I am so thankful for modern medicines which ease the side affects. As I expected these were also low times emotionally and spiritually. I will try to recall my meditations before I start feeling better as God is glorified when in our misery we cling to Him and call out to Him.
Before the Face of God (Personal meditations)
In my lowest state I never felt despair but such a deep sense of all my losses. The hardest part of pruning is when even good healthy blossoms need to go in order for the plant to produce more vigorously. I love to plan, make goals, and love to envision future ministry opportunities. Every time I begin to do this I am thwarted in some way and brought back to the fact that I can’t make any big plans for the next few months and maybe even a couple of years with the surgeries etc. SO I am learning very painstakingly to :WAIT ON THE LORD” for everything. This is such a blessed and important lesson. First of all I am not the author of my story, He is. Second, I am dependent on Him every moment to sustain my life in every way and I have a deep sense of not wanting to go in any direction apart from His blessed will. I am learning that his will is the most blessed place to be in the center of and that He is jealous that we find our heart satisfaction in Him alone.
When you lose your health, you feel the loss in all your other blessings as well. It is hard to enjoy the many good things around you and sometimes all the health and vigor around you make you feel more alienated and alone. The pleasure of God himself is one that is not diminished in the midst of suffering but He becomes all the dearer as you experience the different aspects of His character which sustain you.
I have been helped my other’s words who have experienced this same pruning from the Lord.
“Much of the loss that tends to take our breath away has to do with God’s jealous love. God is willing to have our dreams crumble, our plans fail and our hopes erode in order to win back the love of our hearts. He could not love us and let our job, house, friend, spouse, child or position replace Him. His love is beautifully intolerant. He is willing to be severe in order not to lose us. He is willing to do drastic things in order to free us from slavery to things that were never meant to rule us.” Paul David Tripp
“How simple for me to live with you O Lord. How easy to believe in you. When in my confusion my soul bears itself or bends, when the most wise can see no further than this night and do not know what tomorrow brings, you fill me with clear certainty that you exist and that you watch to see that all the paths of righteousness be not closed. From the heights of worldly glory I am astonished by the path through despair that you have provided for me. This path from which I have been worthy enough to reflect your radiance to men. All that I will yet reflect you will grant me, and for that which I will not succeed in reflecting you have appointed others”. Alexander Solzhenitsyn
THOSE WHO SOW IN TEARS WILL REAP WITH SONGS OF JOY PSALM 126:5
“It is good that we should have to submit to what we do not understand. It teaches us the laws of faith and hope. It is good that we should have to do what we would rather not do in circumstances not of our choice. It is good that there should be always something to prick us or something to remind us that we are in an enemy’s country and we belong in a marching column. It is good that every creature we lean upon should fail or disappoint us. It is good that we should meet with checks and failure in what we undertake to keep us humble and prayerful. And all these things belong to sowing in tears.” Janet Erskine Stuart
FOR THUS SAYS THE LORD GOD, THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL;
“IN RETURNING AND REST YOU SHALL BE SAVED;
IN QUIETNESS AND CONFIDENCE SHALL BE YOUR STRENGTH.” Isaiah 30:15
Please join my in Prayer and Thanksgiving
*Thank God for no secondary illnesses so far
*Thank God for His abundant provision of practical and spiritual help through His people and especially my precious family
*Thank God for His sustaining power. Also Joel is loving Chemistry and doing well!!!
*Please pray that God will guard me from any infections while my counts are low
*Please pray for protection and health as Tim and I travel to Wenatchee for Xander Knight’s wedding!!!
*Please pray for our family adjustment as Joel comes home for the summer this weekend!!
*Please pray that we ALL learn to WAIT ON THE LORD!!!!
Thanks so much for sharing again, Leslie. Your post reminds me much of what God taught us in Peru and how I am still learning to wait on the Lord. It also reminds me of something Elisabeth Elliott once wrote about how God wants us to be happy, but he desires us to primarily be holy. Praying for you and your family as you continue to learn to wait on Him.
ReplyDeleteDear Leslie, I am remembering when back in 2002 you were such a huge blessing to me. It was two years after my dear husband died and I was "in the pit" of despair. Sharleen shared with you about what I was going through and we talked by phone. Your words and prayers meant so much to me and I soon began to come out of the awful "pit" I was in. I am now praying for you and your family as you travel through this very hard place. I know God is with you and He will never leave you. "Be still and know that I am God". This is one verse i continue to lean on. With my love and prayers, Mary Belle Timm (Shar's mom)
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